"You built your walls too, she tells him. So I have my wall. She says it glittering in a beauty he cannot stand. She with her beautiful clothes with her pale face that laughs at everyone who smiles at her..."
— Michael Ondaatje (The English Patient)
if i ever thought i was a complicated girl i think i had evidence today that i may be as simple as one plus one. it doesn't always equate to two, but most times you can be sure that it will reach that result.
and however complicated one plus one is it isn't fermat's last theorem.
maybe-- in a way-- that's why despite the fact that we all hang out in the same group, i've never actually felt close to you. you've always-- for want of a better analogy-- had a public face, like the discworld dwarves, while deep inside underground the waters and the miners and the emotions run deeper than you will ever let them show on the surface.
but it's not fair when you let him in so completely but to the rest of us paint him as a jerk, as though he's the one stalking your every movement and not leaving you alone and not knowing when to BACK. OFF. it's not fair because you know the truth is that you're asking him to be there, and that you need him there. it's, most of all, incredibly bloody unfair to him.
we never asked for a friend who has to be untouchable and unbreakable. we never asked for an elizabeth, or a joan of arc.
don't build your walls. i built them, too, because i thought it was the only way to stay sane and whole and unhurt. but it doesn't work that way, and castle walls don't just keep out; they lock in, too.
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the sky today was incredible; as much as i stick to the shadows even i had to concede that the incredible blue of the mid-morning vaults (which lasted till 5ish, when i collected my public law paper and sat outside frowning at it) streaked with cotton-candy swathes of cloud was simply beautiful to behold. it promised freedom, clarity, serenity; tantalised with images of sand and sea and surf, of gold-dappled tarmac caressed by salt-laden winds; teased with hints of impending summertime.
and in acknowledgement thereof i abandoned the usual sheltered pathway for the sunlit trudge upslope and smiled merrily at almost everyone.
and so lcs was finally concluded today, public law was collected; nette had her mcflurry, lily lee got her earphones (which i'm still sore about. they look NOTHING like the stupid website promised, except for maybe having wires), i didn't buy my 9.5cm heels (just as well. i got my ibanking statement today. wthhhhh) and had a rather edifying talk in person with A. I'm sorry now that i rather angrily labelled all his posturing as pertrarchan. i still think it's all rather a bit too melodramatic, but-- aiyah first relationships and all that. first cut's always the deepest, huh.
and yet another day closer to exams.
in any case happy international dance week, all! Apsara Asia has this very value for money class but it's on 25th april BOO. 2 days before equity. :(
MUG.