i swore i'd never be one of those girls who expect you to know when yes=no, no=yes or maybe just hell, read my mind. but now i'm beginning to understand why sometimes you just can't bear to bring yourself tospeak, because sometimes things are so fucking obvious you should bloody well get it without having to be told what you did wrong.
oh but to you it isn't wrong, is it.
it's been going on like this forever.
your time is precious, i know. so is mine. so maybe we should just stop wasting each other's time because i sure as hell have got a better life to lead than one burdened by your whims.
i'm sick of giving in.
i don't know you anymore
whatever. company ended today. it was an almost disaster i sat and blinked blankly at question 2 for the longest time and ended up scanning my companies act for some sort of divine or at least statutory intervention/inspiration. when it was over krys and i promptly dashed down to the slr room after she did her primary school kid thing (HAHA) whereupon we cleaned out the fridge and distributed our assets (fixed, not floating, hahahaha)-- tea biscuits to nette, green tea to krys and choc digestives and ritter sport to me me me. whee. did rachel get the daims? don't rmb. ben and jerry, being grossly half-eaten, was consigned to the waste bin; jin instigated us to write postcards for emily, a task i was grossly incoherent and evidently inadequate at after the mad scribblefest that was company. we cleared up, bade farewell to the suddenly forlorn room (i think without aidil in there it really loses something hahahah) and walked out into a slightly-overcast sky of freedom and love and joy and it's-good-to-be-alive.
gower and sealy went back to where they belonged-- the library-- and then we traipsed down the slope and i attempted to run in my tent of a skirt and my too-shiny heels. having gained a reprieve from my heavily sour thoughts and good unexpected company (HAHA umarkand. umakant?)with the sunshine of nette and krys we bounced off to 171 and headed for town. unable to persuade haogen to get a purple manicure (welll. we didn;t try very hard) krys and i said bye to nette (who was crystal jading, while i was krystle-jading. omg ok lame) and hopped off for mani and pedis. i didn't do my nails, opting to get a fuller pedi instead of express. but my mum and sis both complained that my poplicious atomic orange toes look horrid.
our toes matched our towels. heehee.
we shopped, i constructed a necklace; we talked, and thought of causes. life's too short to mellow much further, and in fact i think i've had enough of mellowing. i want my voice back, i want my self back, i want to stop acquiecsing and pretending everything';s okay when it's not. hell, i'd take the temper and the drama back, too.
loved the grayness of the evening in the chilling twilight.
krys left and i joined felki he monster and chuos the small one (as yz always calls her). got accosted along the way by 2 separate people-- one with the commercial-behaviour-bestowed "sob story" (aiyah BUSINESS STUDENTS AH. hahahaha) and another who handed me yet another of those little gray cards (i've got six now. but if it somehow leads to a money making opportunity....). dinner at nihon mura where we were regaled by the LEGEND. oh my god. hahaha. sometimes guys ought to be shot. long talks, long walks, until we left to catch the last train after ice cream and orange drinks at good old macs. i left for a walk and wound up at newton food centre where i joined my mum and dad for carrot cake and ice jelly and then sojourned to marina mandarin to pick up a carload of dressy teenagers drunk with youth and self-confidence before we drove off into the night. 10 people in one car, mind you.
now i'm home and here typing and dreaming of things i want to say.
there is no bravery in shooting a woman, or for that matter a human. forget gender, forget age, forget race-- there is no holiness about fear and abject cruelty. this world twists us, but we choose the direction in which we turn.
and sometimes it takes one smile, carelessly, happily thrown over one gently-lifted shoulder, to remind us that there can be no sort of compromise in security. we are reminded of how much can be hurt, how much there is to lose.
makes black friday shopping pale so much in comparison. especially with the callousnes sof human beings who would trample one of their own to death and then shout in anger when told the store is closing because of the death.
alright. books tomorrow! :D
the night starts here