29/8/07
7.45pm, BTC study room
He said, "I'd have liked to hear you say, 'Oh, powerrrr' or 'cos i want to beat the girls!' or that 'dance is life'... I really do think that dance is life, it's not just a hobby or to keep fit." And though at that time he was speaking to the guys, if he'd asked me why dance? why-- even before he'd said the above, i would have told him because dance is life, because i cannot imagine going through my days without dance, because dance for me is life and breath and love and death; and even if i wasn't able to get into blast that day i would still have continued to dance, as best as i could or can, because the day that something stops me from dancing, the day something happens to me that means i cannot dance again, that will be the day when a very big part of me-- perhaps the better part of me-- dies. And this is really truly something i feel in my heart and soul, in the deepest corners of my heart to the very marrow of my bones. When i say dance is life, i mean it. Dance was my first love, and it will probably be my last, as well.
Because you're the only thing that can save me from myself."
part of a rather more-- um-- epic-- entry i scribbled after dancetitude in '07. haha yes i actually wrote the above down in-- guess what-- my organiser. see, it's not just for making to-do lists. whole new meaning to organise your life.
it's been over a year. i have to wonder how much i actually achieved, how much i've lost, how much further i still have to go.
it's freaking daunting, and at times it's paralysing, and all i want to do is curl up and give up.
but if i do-- then-- sigh. there's always that big green box tucked away in a corner behind me to remind me of something else i gave up, something that could have been and was so beautiful. but that box is little more than a coffin now.
it all comes down to pride, and ego, and all that bloody nonsense. someone once tole me you only like things you're good at, which i think is unfortunately true. we are creatures of comfort, we are. worse still, i like to win. i almost always have to win. the thought of never ever being even remotely good enough-- is almost enough to kill me.
morose.
something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long