ahahaha
aiya
not so hard
just need a plant
then can stalk
i love my friends, it's been a great week, i haven't felt this alive in an extremely extremely long while. I am honoured that you take time out to read my words; touched that you quote them; amazed that you are there for me when I crumble. I don't fall apart often (or maybe I don't show it) but when I am able to reach out for help I am unspeakably glad that there are hands there to haul me back up.
I love you, who takes walks with me till 2am in the morning, till we are stranded in the middle of nowhere; you, who call me at 4 in the morning and then drive me off to paradise at 6.45am singing under the boardwalk. I love you, who listens to my distressed plaints and writes me long emails dissecting all my worries, giving me pointers on what to do. I love you, who unselfishly shares with me all the details of your life, who trusts me enough to take my advice, who despite your tiredness stays up to talk to me. I love you, who always always makes me laugh till my sides ache; you, the filtration device; you, the one with the words of wisdom; you, the inside-tube-who-is-distracted-by-noise; all of you, who don't care what I look like or how ridiculous I act in public (like falling asleep on the floor or tucking myself into a strange alcove) and love me back.
i love the way dance makes me so damn happy even when it kills my body and makes it useless for anything else the rest of the week. i love it even though my entire stomach was one big churning mass of worry and anxiety and pain and practically-lip-gnashing terror before i went for my first session this week. i love music, steps, choreography, feeling.
i had a display message on msn a while ago which said "a six-letter word for love". so many of you asked what it was-- fiona guessed affair, xf guessed sweden. i simply said everyone has their own word. at that point in time my answer which i told no one was enmeshed thus: a six-letter word for love, a four-letter word for loneliness. my nouns and adjectives are mixed, but basically my word was lonely. you love, and you leave yourself open to vulnerability; you love, and you end up missing the person/thing not there; you love, and you run a whole gamut of risks knowing full well all the ways you can be hurt in return. But that's the thing about crosswords, and questions, and life itself-- the answers change, even the questions change. i have so much to be grateful for that i don't have any right to be upset or unhappy-- although in a way i'm even grateful for sorrow, because of the sheer beauty of emotion. my words for love are plenty, and i am glad to be back, and glad to be loved, and incandescently content that i may love and feel and live, happy and sad.