I can't blog any more; as soon as I write one thing another becomes true.

That's a statement of fact, don't read too much into it.

But this much I know is true-- the rain here is terribly unlike the rain in Singapore. The latter is... softer; falls like a friend. When it storms there is passion and exuberance and catharsis and I could sit all day at a window staring out at it. I would even happily splash through it.

Here the rain falls like icy sarcasm. Each drop is chillingly biting. And there are no storms, no deluges, just a steady pitter-patter of stonewalling dislike.

I have to wonder if it was this way all along; and, blinded by the sun, I just never noticed back then.

arghhh okay swamped by work. swamped, swamped, SWAMPED. This is ridiculous I have to study MORE on exchange than back home.

bedtime reading.


what makes her just everything I can never be
what makes her your every dream and fantasy?
because i can remember when it was me-- bedtime music.
Posted at 4:13 AM

"i was hanging in the corner with my 5 best friends, i heard that you were trouble but i couldn't resist"

how true this used to be. part of me says "those were the days, man".
Posted at 12:09 AM

ohmygodohmygodohmygawd I have just realised that Trettondagssafton in Swedish is TWELFTH NIGHT. And that's the musical the BW girls are putting up and that is ALSO the musical that I cannot do because I'm not staying the full year and OHMYGAWD I am damn sad now.

Oh make these hills cry out Olivia, please.

*bangs head. bangs head harder. bangs head very very very hard indeed*

*reads script*

*bangs head some more*

Now I understand Jinglin's Dreality conundrum.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Posted at 5:52 AM

I can still recall
Our last summer
I still see it all
Walks along the Seine, laughing in the rain
Our last summer
Memories that remain

We took the chance
Like we were dancing our last dance

Walking hand-in-hand
Living for the day, worries far away
Our last summer
memories that remain
Posted at 4:10 AM

mich says (10:15 PM):
give me a min
okay maybe more time
keron says (10:15 PM):
ok
why?
mich says (10:15 PM):
i'm replying emails for money
i mean
mummy
omg





added: 22nd September
mich says (11:40 PM):
i nearly burst out laughing when dr. ho prescribed medicine for me today
it's called
FML

24th september: apparently labelling some sort of diagram
"i just spent the last 2 minutes staring at a blob of funny shaded thing and i just realised that it was a tongue. it doesn't look like a tongue. it looks like an alien giving birth."
*proceeds to chant "alveolar ridge, villi, blank space between two shaded parts" in a sing song voice for the next three minutes*
"technically i can label all of these 'empty space' and i would be correct."
"how am i supposed to label anything when everything looks like an alien giving birth??"
"i hate this for the first time in my life i'm going to fail english. how sad is that."


26th September: over skype
me: "today I was talking to a guy from Bulgaria--"
her: "OH oh OH!!!! Viktor Krum...!"

after getting water
her: "di di deeeet i'm back."

24th october 2009: msn
keron - says (10:52 PM):
in a few hours i will be 7 hours behind you instead of 6
i feel sloooooooooooooowwwwwww
mich says (10:53 PM):
how do you know that?
why does that happen?
okay slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowpoke
keron - says (10:53 PM):
daylight savings
mich says (10:53 PM):
how does that work?
should i talk backwards?
Posted at 10:17 PM

freak-a-monkey gorgeous.

The Lamborghini Reventon Roadster. What? A girl can dream, right??


Although I have my misgivings about the roof. Or lack thereof.
Posted at 4:34 AM

i am stuck with an utter d%$&head for prague-vienna-budapest. i refuse. i HATE guys who cannot make up their minds and who CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT THAT ON THE RYANAIR WEBSITE THE "ADDRESS" for the airport in prague is OBVIOUSLY "Prague". DUDE. get a CLUE.

your credit card doesn't work? oh might it be because YOUR BRAIN DOESN'T WORK AS WELL.

this cannot be happening. *facepalm*
Posted at 4:18 PM

yes, my heart is breaking.

i know one reason-- THE reason-- uppsala will never be home.

i want to dance so badly it's killing me.


can anybody out there feel me
cos i can't seem to feel myself
...
losing my way
can you help me find my way
Posted at 2:42 AM

Guess what, Murphy takes airplanes-- or maybe he just never really left my side, or he has a personal assistant minion permanently scheduled for murphying my life. In any case, the commercial hiphop course that I desperately wanted to take has been cancelled. and they're redirecting me to take lyrical hiphop or LA street style. i) lyrical= my nemesis. always. ii) i TOOK LA street style. i came away wanting to kill everyone in the class for being giggly chatterboxes.

I think this is karma for me being mean to my sister, a bitch to my parents and not exactly the best friend ever. it could also be karma for me lying blatantly to my parents-- something i'm trying to remedy and which i will get to eventually in this post.
__________________________________________________________________________

So now I'm sitting here typing instead of getting down to my readings for administrative law or Richard III. I spent the time that would have been taken up by dance class today rearranging the furniture in my room so that I could actually hook up my speakers and have room to dance. This has of course resulted in a complete lack of light to study (what is it with Swedish student rooms and extremely low-wattage lights? Every room I've been to so far is so badly lit you could be writing on the table instead of your notepad and not realise it) but I figure I can remedy that by making use of natural light or something. In any case I have realised that I can only study by the river, which sounds terribly romantic but is terribly inconvenient seeing as it's getting godawfully cold and I always have to rush back to my room to skype my dad/mum/sister: the first two because one day without skype leads them to think i have
i) been murdered
ii) been kidnapped
iii) become hooked on drugs (my dad is convinced that I am going to go to Amsterdam and smoke weed or something)
iv) argued with a certain corridor mate about basic sanitation and was hence drawn and quartered and thrown into the river
v) und so weiter;
and my sister because she's the one who keeps me updated on what is going on back home and also is the one who keeps me sane. I whine to her far too much, I'm surprised she puts up with me at all when she's got her screwy JS project mates to deal with and her brilliant NM USP mates to live up to.

I don't even know where to start, to sort of organise what's been going on. Perhaps the easiest trigger would be this: The Book of Mormon, which is sitting on my shelf right now. Before you revile me for being a cultist I need to explain.

I complained about not getting the alcohol thing at all a few entries back, and even when my Swedish buddy (yes they have a buddy system here) asked me out for wine with her friends I was reluctant to accept; I REALLY have zero alcohol tolerance and despite my father drinking enough to singlehandedly keep Guinness in healthy business, both my parents are adamant about me not imbibing. And it's not just the personal consumption thing, it's the lifestyle I couldn't understand either. Why get piss-drunk and toss your bottles everywhere and throw up all over the streets and throw bicycles and chairs and each other into the river? More or less I was just about ready to absent myself from any and every halfway decent event.

Then one day as I was walking out of the English campus I ran into two guys. They were dressed very formally compared to everyone else-- in fact, I'd first noticed them because of the starched white formal shirt-tie-and-pants ensembles they had on. As I walked past them one of them beckoned and said "Ursäkta..." and rattled on in Swedish; I apologised and said I didn't understand Swedish. It turned out that only one of them could speak Swedish anyway-- they were Americans, in Uppsala for two years to do missionary work for the Church of Mormon. As they were talking to me about God's word and how much it had affected their lives, I found myself feeling slightly smug and ready to demolish their declamations with all I knew of paganism and so on. Then, I paused. What in the world was this?

I'd always prided myself on having an open mind when it came to religion, because for a time I was an adherent of what you could say was one of the most unorthodox practices this earth has seen (or most organic, it depends on where you're coming from). And although I don't actively practise or believe now-- some of those values stay. And one of them is to accept all, to realise that not everyone subscribes to Via Veritas Vita, that for many-- so many-- there are many ways, many truths, many lives. This was the same reason that one of my summer goals-- not fulfilled, unfortunately-- was to read the bible, which would have been anathema to a younger me. So how could I have forgotten?

It took me all of 5 seconds to think of this and to accept, with thanks, the proffered "Another Testament of Jesus Christ", add a tentative positive to the extended invitations for their Monday meetings and to wish them well on their way. They were very nice people: they didn't press me for a contact number, or an email address, and the newer guy-- who'd only been in Sweden for three months-- was wonderfully friendly.

So. If I could be that open-minded (or so I say) about religion, then why not at least see what this whole booze-fuelled lifestyle looks like, from the inside?

With that, I've been to two parties so far: one was a rather tame and very pleasant Friday night affair, hosted by my Swedish buddy Maria and her friend Jenny. I went earlier to help them cook and prepare food, and we made incredibly delicious pies: one vegetarian, to cater for my idiosyncratic palate, and one beef pie (I think!). Both looked delectable and the veg one was heavenly. The food other people brought were delicious too: Erika's pasta salad and Karen's to-die-for chokladkaka with the creamiest vanilla ice-cream my tastebuds have had the delight to sample. We played rounders or kubb, I can't remember which, in a field too cold for words and too dark to actually play in-- after a while none of us could see the ball anymore. That night I was also introduced to the concept of the bicep beer, met a German guy who was very interested in hip hop dance, and a Chinese girl who's been slowly drawing me into more of the student (night)life. I also got to know a few of my law classmates better. Maria-- my buddy-- is an incredibly lovely person; I don't have a bike, so when everyone else peddled off to dance the night away at a club she waited 15 minutes with me for a bus since I didn't bring my student ID and wouldn't have been admitted. I also have an extant invitation for a run or a walk about the Rackarberget area with her, which I will make use of as soon as I'm able.

The other party I attended was yesterday-- and no, it was not exactly wild since no one started getting it on in the middle of the corridor, but it was certainly not what you'd call tame either. But I am tired, and I need to wash my lenses and my dishes and do my readings for the week ahead. Besides no one reads such horridly long posts anyway so I should stop taxing your eyes for a while.

P.S. in case you're wondering if I'm going for a Mormon meeting, I'm going to have to say no-- somewhat regretfully, really, because they were really nice people. But I joined a dance group that has practices on Mondays, and dance always comes first.

P.P.S. my solo backpacking trip to Prague, Vienna and Budapest has suddenly swelled, because I got more and more guilty about lying repeatedly to my parents (and they have a sixth sense about when I'm lying, DAMNIT. The credit card bills for the single airline and train tickets would have tipped them off sooner or later, in any case.). So now two girls have tentatively expressed interest in going with me, and one of them is asking guys along as well. So much for journey of self-discovery SIGH. Maybe I can persuade them to all leave on the 7th-- then I will have Budapest to myself, at least. and one day of Prague. (knowing me that will be the day I get pickpocketed).

But in the meantime-- thanks to Jinglin for showing such concern (and congrats that you're Europe-bound, again!!); to Ning, Ni and Eisen for boosting my flagging morale whenever I suddenly freaked out and thought "oh shit I'll probably be murdered just like my dad's colleague" (major substantiating factor of why my parents are particularly paranoid about lone backpacking); and of course to my sister, for listening to me swear blue murder at my parents and for covering up for me. Like mad.

SIGH I REALLY WANTED TO GO ALONE.

Oh well. There's always the rest of Sweden.

P.P.P.S. I am TRYING to swear less, since Ning, Ni and my sister now all think I need my mouth scrubbed out with Chlorox. But it's so HARD.
Posted at 4:03 AM

note to self: no more *^%^$#$$& parties if it means coming home at ^&$#$@ am in the ^&%$#@# godforsaken COLD.
Posted at 8:33 AM

Six Months
(for Eva Sharkey)

What you know, are the only things worth knowing,
you, who give yourself whole
into the arms of strangers,

unafraid of meeting their eyes.
You who ponder your findings,
serene as a pope on your blue changing mat.

Teach us not to care about causing a fuss,
teach us to eat when we’re hungry,
to be ambivalent to fashion, to bear no grudges,

and to love without restraint
this yellow leaf, this face, this universe
composed of passing colours, temporary shapes.

--- Sunday at the Skin Laundrette, Kathryn Simmonds

how apt for this my 6 months' sojourn.
Posted at 4:14 PM

today i sat by the river fyris and dangled my levis-clad feet legs over the edge of the boardwalk. i rejoiced in the fact that i finally remembered what it was like to be warm again, and to hell with sun damage and spf. i took pictures of a happy couple, and stared at the brilliant sun with rooster in my head (the band, not an actual cockerel). i made faces at the water as i tried various pieces of candy i'd bought from the corner shop according to what they tasted like, but in any event they did help to alleviate the pain from my ridiculously ornery throat a little.

i sat in the sun and stretched and dreamt as i mentally ticked off all the things i'd managed to complete, which hadn't seemed possible when i tumbled out of bed that morning, sick and out of sorts and late. i took heart in the fact that although i am already completely lost for my law module, i'm loving the shakespearean one-- a LOT. then i watched with my notes spread across my lap as the fyris ducks paddled busily across the water, drawing great swooping triangles across the river water in their wakes.

it's been twenty-two days since i first arrived in sweden. i don't know if i actually feel like leaving at the end of all of this; uppsala is ridiculously easy to fall head over heels in love with. the first day we arrived i dragged my parents and our concomitant pieces of luggage all over town, several times, searching for where the heck i was supposed to go. my ambivalence about going to sweden and leaving-- most acutely-- blast behind had pretty much meant that i hadn't done anything apart from getting myself, my laptop, a travel diary and a bunch of clothes onto the plane. at the bus station my parents unintentionally threw down the gauntlet when they stood back and said "now, let's pretend we're not here. so how will you handle this?" all they wanted to do was to see if i could take care of myself; being me i obviously took that as a challenge and hardheadedly persisted in trying to find my own way on a map i couldn't quite figure out. in the end by the biggest stroke of luck ever-- just when my arms were cramping from dragging my luggage about-- i chanced upon a sign that said "akademihotellet", which had a ring of vague familiarity about it. the woman behind the counter saved my life after she helped me find out where my room was supposed to be, the company i was supposed to go to (about two plus km away. to be exact, right beside where we had gotten off our airport bus) and what i could do to find stuff and get ready for moving in.

i still cannot believe my room. it's a lot bigger than i'd envisioned; big enough to fit my parents and me for the days they stayed here, which might have been a mistake in hindsight because i felt so suffocated by the constant human contact i snapped at them every five minutes or so. the best part about it is that it's located a stone's throw away from an unbelievable graveyard, filled with dearly departed both from long long ago and as recent as a few years back. they are not my departed and not dear to my heart, and so the sorg-- sorrow-- of their passing is not my cross to bear; and hence i callously but gratefully cherish the peace that emanates from the cemetery every day i walk back to my room. it's a ritual, almost-- i leave the need to talk and smile and socialise and interact behind and go through this veil to my little room, which is beginning to seem more and more like home to me.

in the ensuing days we found ourselves in stockholm, sweden, and then copenhagen, denmark-- a place i detested for all its legendary beauty. stockholm was lovely if not breathtaking in the way uppsala still is, to me; we walked throughalong the rain-slick cobblestoned pathways of gamla stan (old town) and perused shops with wares ranging from freshly-still-being-made waffles cones (B&j's) to mystical looking candy (Old Town Candy Shop) to knickknacks my mum couldn't resist buying. we had a buffet lunch at Hermitage, a place recommended by my guidebook, which i am growing increasingly mistrustful of. in a doorway two buskers strummed their guitars and sang with the voices of angels oasis' wonderwall, stopping only when someone had to go past them through the door they were sitting in front of. the wind was cold-- never colder, really-- and it became worse still when it started raining in earnest instead of the halfhearted drizzle we'd faced the whole day. still, it was lovely. there was a life and vibrancy to the city streets and the people that i simply cannot put into words.

copenhagen on the other hand was a complete contrast. as individuals everyone was delightful; there was this incredibly helpful couple who actually agreed to lend us a cellphone when we needed to call SAS (the bloody bloodsuckers) to get our tickets fixed, and stayed with us and afterwards advised us of the choices we could have recourse to. we also stayed in this absolutely divine albeit also rather expensive little hotel-- the Christian IV, named for King Christian IV (no prizes if you guessed that right). it was 5 storeys high and had an old-fashioned elevator that could fit only three people and resembled nothing so much as a metal cage, with concomitant (hidden) metal grating much like the type you'd expect to see in a REALLY old-fashioned hotel. our room was on the 5th floor and reminded me exceedingly of mr bean's tiny brit room complete with the exact same window (i don't know if you're thinking of what i'm thinking). the hotel staff were incredibly friendly, and i developed an exceedingly sweet tooth after trying a genuine danish pastry for the first time ever. we visited rosenborg slot right next to the hotel, where i finally realised that when my dad had insisted repeatedly that "luo shen bao" was in the middle of copenhagen he had NOT been referring to luxembourg. the sprawling gardens left me bedazzled and overawed but the highlight of the grounds-- the castle and the treasury-- left me terribly underwhelmed. i wanted wild sweeping ranges of grass and sky; i couldn't even begin to fathom why the royals, who could have had anything and everything they wanted, would have chosen to cloister themselves in low stuffy rooms filled with far too much to be called anything but clutter, never mind the gold and baubles and all. i also dragged my parents up and down Assistens Kirkegård hunting for Andersen's grave; i found Bohr's as well. Worth it, despite the glares my parents kept giving me.

we also did the requisite touristy trippy things like going to see the little mermaid on her birthday, wandering to tivoli gardens and sofo, and visiting the amalienborg castles and failing to catch sight of royalty. we paused to take in the truly magnificent Frederikskirken, possibly the only church that could awe even my heathen soul, and stopped by the danish museum of art and design. almost invariably the close of each day would find us drinking 40kr cups of tea opposite the royal copenhagen watching buskers ranging from amusing mimes to lonely erhu players (particularly poignant) to a pair of brilliant singers who'd first caught my ear by playing u2's with or without you, and then proceeded to further enrapture their audience with a cascada song ("baby you're all that i want, when i'm lying here in your arms"), your song, and wonderwall (again!). but for all that somehow i just felt that the longer i stayed in copenhagen the more the city seemed to be draining me dry. i would pick up a pen and not be able to write, open blogger in a browser and stare at an empty page. in the end after our plans to go to aarhus were derailed by ticket unavailability we flew back to sweden, after surmounting the humongous bitchfest that passed for sas customer service (which they had the nerve to charge us an extra 260sgd for. what the hell). the moment we landed i felt... relieved. alive. rejuvenated. copenhagen is-- was -- an emotional blackhole for me, for god only knows what reasons. it was like what one exasperated busker said, on the streets, "i don't know if it's the cold-- is that it, because winter is coming?-- or what, but i'm not feeling the energy i need here. this isn't just a one-man show. i have to feel something from you. should i just pack up and go? is that it? is that what you want?"

so very nirvana's teen spirit. here we are now, entertain us. such a rudderless city, that.

and such a long post, this. i'll update more about what i've been up to in uppsala another time. and maybe i'll finally get down to sticking a few pictures up, eh?
Posted at 1:44 AM

to prove that i have a sister (and mum) every bit as worthy of a thingsmyboyfriendsays.com website as the protagonist of said website, i've dug up these gems from ONE day out with them this year-- august 8th, if my dates are to be believed.
______________________________________________________________
waiting for my mum to finish an appointment i dragged my sister out of the car to a nearby playground because i wanted to try out the see-saw. it was a very nice and breezy, summery day, and i suspect there was cocaine in the air, because that might have been the only way to explain the following exchanges.

michelle: *stares at see-saw* "that's not a see-saw. that's a piece of bent metal. death by bent metal."

yvonne: "oooh look at the trees they're so lovely! pretty pretty trees. when i grow up i want to live in a tree."
michelle: "... you want to be a tree?!?!"

michelle: *wind blows and hair flies across face* "oooh look i'm hitler."

and earlier that day...
yvonne: *warbling* "shush, girl, and shut your lips; do the helen keller, and talk with your hips"
michelle: *utterly AGHAST look* "HELEN KELLER DID NOT TALK WITH HER HIPS. HOW THE HECK DO YOU EVEN DO THAT."

and later that day...
yvonne: *fingering a particularly dubious shirt* "should i buy this?"
michelle: "i will disown you."

not to forget mum...
michelle: *waving bye at the bus stop* "ohkay byebye! there, there's a shuai ge to keep you company till your bus comes *points at gi joe movie poster*"
half an hour later mum calls. michelle picks up and looks retarded.
michelle: *hangs up* "omg mummy just called me to say that she listened to me and has been staring at the shuai ge for damn long and the longer she looks at it the more it looks like daddy."
________________________________________________________

this, michelle dearest, is revenge for your not being online when i ran back from dance through the rain!


and i am happy. i realise i haven't been this happy for a while. :):) maybe it's the dance, maybe it's the incredibly glorious sunset in a sky washed clean by rain, maybe it's last night's ruminations. oh the choices we make the paths that we take-- i never knew how much that was weighing on me until i made the switch.

mental states count SO much.

i'm happy (:

p.s. maps.google.com rocks. i'm using it to not get lost, and i just calculated the distance i am from home-- 9682.40km. woots. that's crazy. (and yes, if you must know, i tried to get walking directions for that too. google thought i was mad hahaha)
Posted at 1:26 AM

hypocrite, to offer you solutions when i cannot solve my own questions.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry


ning said to drown whatever sorrows i may have (ie if i have any) in alcohol, only to remember:

ning: oh yah but you can't really drink
me: don't you mean i REALLY can't drink??


to my credit (or demerit) i didn't know sangria was alcoholic. or that the sangria had vodka as an extra stimulant. soozey will probably be edified to know that i now know how to swear in swedish vilely enough to get slapped on the streets.

oh, enough. i've gotten my lit module approved at long last, but i begin to wonder if i haven't bitten off more than i can chew. in the same conversation xuzi also said "i think you're the only one who does something clever on exchange, all the rest just go and dance and have fun".

yeah, too clever by half. but i'm not going to be despondent, i will remind myself this is the last time i can do lit, ever, academically-speaking, and enjoy myself. hopefully.

But the prince only looked at the bright side; he did not turn the coat and see the shabby lining.

call me the idiot, twice over, because i see the shabby lining and then turn it over, press it down, pat it firmly into place and smile.

i'll learn to make the cut, we've done it all before
Posted at 2:11 AM

now my words are there too, out in the wild wide web.

find me.
Posted at 7:06 AM

you're only as strong as the tables you dance on, the drinks you mix, and the friends you roll with

why does everything around here seem to involve drinking/partying? there's a reason i don't drink, not since a night in dec... '06? just let me read shakespeare by the river, why don't you.

and this is what it is like or what it is like in words
Posted at 5:36 PM

i can't watch singapore idol where i am-- not yet anyway, youtube hasn't loaded it-- but here's someone i REALLY think should be supported:

first song i ever heard him sing. haha tracy you can go compare with lambert :D

his latest vid. i have to say i think the other guy's voice is more than pretty decent haha but aiyah law school loyalties (LAWyalties?). go OGL go!


in other news, schedule clashes are a BITCH. :( i want my shakespeare module :(:(:(

and on another completely flippant note: i cannot wear flats. i don't get blisters running around in 3.5inch heels, but i wore my FIRST-ever pair of ballet flats out today and about 3 hours (2 hours of which was spent sitting down in lessons by the way) later was limping back rather miserably in those *&^%$#$%^*& torture devices. i SHOULD have bought HEELS. specifically those studded slinky stilettos sitting oh so prettily in bianco footwear :(

then again no. i must remember that every kroner not spent on useless things can go towards dance classes-- which, may i add, the danscenter is not allowing me to sign up for, because i don't have a swedish tax number or a swedish bank account. PEOPLE I CAN PAY IN CASH. i can pay by credit card. i can pay by slaving and washing your floors and walls for a month. JUST LET ME TAKE THE CLASS. oh bloody admin.

i am there now, in the woods. come find me.
Posted at 3:04 AM

bad throat on the verge of becoming something far worse, so i can't swallow anything complicated-- therefore decided to steam vegetables for the vitamin c, and for the heat (it's really getting a bit chilly!).

but i happily forgot that evaporated water will COLLECT in a receptable. i ended up with vegetable soup instead of steamed veggies.
ok darn this just looks like i plucked grass out of the gardens and put it into a bowl.


MUCH better. tadah! i never knew how yummy steamed rather than fried-to-death fresh vegetables could taste. michelle you can show this to mum and dad. and that's some other funny herbal tea that i found, it says it'll deal with anything from rheumatism to high blood pressure to headaches to dull eyes to heatiness to polio to dizziness to ringing in the ears to sore throats-- what the hey, i bet it cures hair loss and cancer too. sheeesh.


many thanks to eisen for keeping me virtual company while i felt mortified about not knowing how to operate the hot plate and awkward about running into my corridor mates, repeatedly; and to xf for the hint about vegetables! :).
Posted at 3:17 AM