sundown!

thank-yous to krystal and ning and wh, whose messages kept me company through much of the night (i was DAMN lonely at 4am though after wh went to sleep. BLEH.)

to wai jia and everyone in the area whom we unintentionally woke up or kept awake because we were too noisy-- whoops! sorry sorry once a year only laaaa.

to mum, who drove out to fetch my sister but also came to keep me company for a while and laugh at me for looking like a homeless vagrant-- and at my sister for looking like a ghost-- and then called again at 4-ish am to make sure i was alive and awake-- thanks :):)

to every runner who had to deal with the agony of my area's steps-- sorry!! i felt SO bad even though it wasn't my fault. but i just felt bad anyway.

and to every single runner who smiled back or said thank you or waved or flashed a thumbs up or a V-sign-- you guys rock, because just one smile could mean so very much to me-- esp at 1 or 2 am when i was feeling damn tired of smiling and couldn't even muster up the energy to cheer properly.

to the ones who started running after i cheered them on-- thank you for making me feel like i was of some use.

to the runners-- ESPECIALLY the 84k ones-- who could still find the strength to crack a joke or laugh at my earrings or or take a photo or make conversation or ask for an escalator (HAHA): YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING and you TOTALLY made my night. i am completely in awe of the strength of the human spirit that resides in you. i will never understand what makes a person able to hobble down steps, calf and thigh muscles swollen grotesquely and face twisted in a rictus of pain, say a grateful, smiley "thanks" in response to my words and then start running again.

it was incredible. yesterday-- today morning-- i witnessed truly the passion of and for the run in all its excruciating glory, as well as the sheer determination of the human spirit and body. my relationship with running is a vapid schoolgirl crush compared to the full-blown torrid love-and-life-and-death affairs these people have got going. and it's amazing how many people, in something which needs so much mental power and concentration on their own bodies and will to drive themselves forward, still spare the time to think of others and to consider other people-- including stupid road marshals waving merrily and not even close to being able to understand how painful the whole journey was. i saw people whose calf muscles had swollen so disproportionately that one leg was half again as big as the other-- and this was with 19km to go on their second round.

i had a soft spot for all the 84k runners because it was them that i could feel most acutely for, and they were also the ones i looked out for most of the night becuase they would be making a second round and i would be able to see them again hehh. they definitely got my most genuine smiles because i was genuinely glad to see them. plus! they were the cheeriest of all-- i love the caucasian guy in blue who ran past really fast and warbled merrily to me "still gonna make it in timeeee" on his first round. he was quiet on his second though-- just flashed me a tired smile, but i was so glad to see him again. and he was still running-- the steps just hobbled him for a little. i'm not sure if the guy in red and black who complimented me on my smile and actually called back "worth a second look(loop?)" actually came back again. i'm pretty sure the guy who took a pic with me didn't :(. sigh.

and the one who said "wah at night still wear earrings ah!" actually recognised me when he came back on his second round! the moment he saw me-- when he was at the top of the steps-- he said "earrings!!". very very very amused.

i think a lot of the women from 84k didn't make it to my end for the second round... too many that i didn't see again. damn sad. but for the ones who continued-- oh gosh. RESPECT. seriously. i am so so so inspired. plus the couples who went through 84k together-- the kind of support and companionship they provided for each other; the wife who cycled alongside her husband doing 84k, bananas and supplies on hand for him (she stopped on the second round to ask me if they were in top 10-- DEFINITELY. he was uber fast); or the daughter who came and waited, decked out in running gear, to run with her dad for the last 19 k or so of the 84k, or the woman who waited for her daughter from 8pm onwards just so she could say hi, or the son who drove out and waited at kembangan with baby oil and piping hot macs coffee for his dad-- the emotion inherent in that was wonderful. i can't even describe it properly.

42k people also. i really appreciate the people who met my eyes and smiled back or said thanks-- or the damn seh ones who nodded and smiled/flashed a sign and then started running! or the poks who said "wahhh ok you're my motivation" then sprinted for 10m and then started walking again. FAIL. but what a funny fail. hahaha :D their spirit and joie de vivre and -- de run? haha-- breathtaking. i didn't see amardeep and 2 of my uncles who were supposed to be running 42k though! sadded. but nizam did see me and said hi-- i was so stunned to see him although i was looking out for him that for a moment i couldn't reply and by the time i did it was too late to cheer him on. :(((( joel apparently ran also.

my hands feel damn weird typing this cos they're still kinda swollen :( clapped too much or something and now i can't make a fist properly haha and YES they swelled: i couldn't get my ring off this morning!

there was only one unpleasant incident the whole night, but i'm not going to talk about it here. ask me if you want i may tell you. hur. oh and something really stupidly funny also i got hit on by the security guard. wth!!!! while i was dozing off somemore!?!

by the wayyyyyyyy. runners are hot. heee so many eye candies flashed in front of me that i think my eyes have got diabetes. hehehehehe.

i must start running again!!


reading krystal's blog i realise it HAS been ages since i properly dressed up and went out to play. i'm getting used to living in elasticised waistbands and oversized tees (rarr dance rarr). hehhh. NI hurry up come back. xf's return is like next year (sort of) and too long to hanker after for the time being so i shall think of ni's instead.




AND! xf sent me this.
"with swine flu, you can never be too careful."

:D

ok off to ellen's! thanks to michelle for taking my call early this morning when i was seriously desperate ahhhh.

i've got to focus my attention
these hands are too shaky to hold
hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love
Posted at 5:12 PM

eurgh i reached home about 12 minutes ago and i'll have to leave in about 15 mins to go for sundown volunteering. ayg prac in the morning, but i didn't actually DANCE because they were cleaning up opening-- so TECHNICALLY no dance class on the weekend after all. got an impromptu popping tutorial from chii tarng instead haha. ARGH i have no time why am i still typing her eoh yes because i am downloading dance videos to watch tonight or i may be bored out of my mind. SHEESH.

traffic was murder-- i reached orchard at close to 3 (2.38) and ran into krystal & kelvin there; he laughed at me for eyeing random nike apparel for males (but the females' ones were boring! krystal had chosen the best of them and went to try them on anyhow) and we spied on dunks for a while before being-- ah-- unavoidably detained in her journey to the gym. eh what can i say "SALE" is always a welcome magnet and anyway i actually had a goal in mind-- i wanted a yellow tank from cotton on! but obviously all out of sizes so i just anyhow bought one la i'll figure out what to do with it later. i have been going mad digging out all the tee shirts i have in my possessions trying to do t-shirt surgery on them. so far only one has been mildly successful-- the rest are absolute disasters. but my issue with the successful one is that i did not take measurements before cutting and sewing on random things so now it's a bit too long in the back for me. anyone wants a yellow shirt?

and i cannot stick on all the embellishments i want because-- these are mainly dance-esque shirts-- if i DID attach all my bling in the back the way i want it'd be hell if we ever did situps for warm up. oucccch.

ok going to go and pack. crap i'm late. and i'm going to be freaking bored (STUPID JIA NING :((( ). please if you love me and you are up at a random hour take pity on me and message me to keep me entertained or smth. and PLEASE let there be a street light so i can read eisen's books (right this is how my myopia escalates to the thousands. whee)

see ya in fourteen hours or so!
Posted at 5:12 PM

i found reggae class more tiring than a 10k run. fail. i think i should stop saying that i go for reggae and rename it pri-gae instead, because i look like a primate. a prime ape. WHATEVER. :((

i still like it though. and i still think trinity is hawt. michelle and i took the chance to sign up for friday's hip hop as well; which means tuesday and the weekend will be the only days i didn't/don't dance this week. HMMMS. wouldn't i love to go for a weekend class, but i strongly suspect my saturday and sunday all-nighters-to-be are going to leave me a little worse for wear. now i won't even have ning's company on saturday because she has decided to drop out! oh well. will self-entertain. it'd better finish at 7am.

and as for sunday night/monday morning-- *&#%*$##&&@#$ at 4am flights!

aunt cecilia brought over dumplings my paternal grandma made, along with a separate bag of specially made vegetarian ones. every time i feel certain that my paternal grandparents particularly/secretly dislike me they do something like this. the one i ate for dinner was especially delicious, laced with the heady tang of guilt and self-reproach as it was.

had quite an entertaining ride from ucc to city hall; alvan fetched us in his illegal-workers-van (hahaha "pimp my al-Van") with the usual musical mashups; incidentally his hair has grown taller, but he has not. HEH. age makes us warier; i kept thinking someone would fall out of the van, but sitting here typing this i rmb when my siblings and my cousins and i would all clamour to bounce along in my uncle's open lorry-bed, seatbelt-free and hair streaming in the wind, the orange glow of streetlamps flashing past in aureoles of radiance so akin to calm fire that it seemed impossible for them not to carry and transmit heat.

(random: who did i fetch that time who stood up and tried to climb out of the car eh. ok la maybe just stood up. )

ellen and yuko were very good company; i'm glad i waited for them although haha i am a kan cheong spider about being late for class. we split at city hall after they failed to entice me to go to o school, whereupon i saw jesmine and lent her my phone. in any case i wasn't late! met michelle in plenty of time to chat a little before class. sometimes i wonder at how i tell her things that i would find impossible to spill to anyone else. maybe it's the sympathy of being in similar situations; maybe it's just an inexplicable bond from being one of the suad quintuplets haha.

cheshire cat moon smiled at me tonight :)


sundries and the laundry list
1. lily lee is doing a research project on erotomania:
Erotomania is a rare type of delusion in which the subject believes that another person is in love with him or her. The patient believes that this other person was the first to declare his or her affection, often by special glances, signals, telepathy, or messages through the media. Usually the patient then “returns” this affection by means of letters, phone calls, gifts, and visits to the confused recipient.[1] The illness is often observed as a secondary disorder in patients with schizophrenia or bipolar mania.[2]

we laughed for ages at this BECAUSE WE IDENTIFIED SOMEONE who probably has it. i swear. it's a long story but it was my fault that the someone managed to access the "confused recipient". i still feel bad. anyway karma strikes: i'll probably be afflicted with it. HUR. eh xf i BET "you wasted so much time!"= erotomania.


2. announcement courtesy of my mother dearest
she wants everyone to know that the caterer for my party actually sucked, and all the good food was actually prepared by family. examples include her very prideworthy chicken wings (i wouldn't know, i didn't eat them. heck i don't think i smelled them), my aunt's fruit salad and the tapioca thing which was a neighbour's contribution. oh-- and the fishballs. and-- the veg dumplings. and-- AIYAH you get it la.


3. things i've typed but not posted here

random thoughts on internship

thursday
our sort-of-mentor sort of directed us to realise that the crux of all our disagreements and discussions, ideological and otherwise, over the past few days could all be boiled down to one essential point: our own gut instinct of what is fair, or not. he said that perhaps what sets lawyers apart, or the reason why we become lawyers in the first place (he is obviously taking a positive view of the matter that has nothing to do with the five-figure monthly sum junior partners apparently receive, or the "law degree=backup" mentality), is that we feel this sense of fairness so acutely.

question: do we? does that set us apart from the ordinary man in the street? surely not-- surely a sense of injustice or a strong instinct of what is right or wrong prepossesses people who do not become lawyers. and come on don't tell me david rasif had a strong sense of justice ingrained in him, or even whatshisname-- the "cluny road car park" guy haha seriously dude you earn how many hundreds of thousands a year. get a room already. and preferably don't hit on your client while you're at it.

then he asked-- not cluny road car park guy, but the person who'd been talking to us-- what we thought created that sense of fairness, that inherent need to do right by the parties in a dispute-- the principle behind it, so to speak. it's a principle that differs from person to person, and you need to find it on your own-- to make it make sense to you. it's something you have to reason out on your own before you can hope to convince anyone of it, and it can be the motive force behind why you are a lawyer and what area of the law you practice ultimately.

i have to think through my theory, it's not exactly tangible. rarr.

also, i have concluded that i have a high pain threshold-- epidermally speaking. basically yesterday after typing away and going up to bathe and sleep-- in the interim of which i threw a bowl of stonecold watercress soup halfway across the kitchen when a lizard leapt out at me from the rubbish bag (%#%^*%$)-- i discovered horrifying marks of coagulated blood on the inside of my bicep. looked like some creature had been gnawing on my arm while i slept or something-- some fairly big creature, since the marks extended over a large area.

horrified, i ransacked my mind for an explanation and realised-- I WAS THE CREATURE. except that i didn't chew on my own arm (i just tried. not the chewing, just to see if i can reach the spot. i can); in a desperate attempt to stay awake during the courtroom hearings i'd poked myself in the arm repeatedly. i still dozed off, but apparently i'd poked harder than i knew hehe. i obviously need to i) cut my nails ii) stop dozing off iii) introduce myself to coffee and be best friends with it or iv) SLEEP, instead of blogging at all hours.

wednesday
today was really a day of heat: apart from unquenchable thirst brought on by superheated water-- there's no water cooler to be had for love or money and i refuse to drink exclusively evian, so we're stuck with boiling temperature water at work-- and sweltering afternoon heat, i also saw kate willis at raffles city during lunch. i didn't recognise her at first cos she wasn't dressed in dance gear but the moment she walked in, bevy of breakers and sunglass-clad stylistas notwithstanding, i was hooked. even sheikh haikel's arrival didn't distract me-- much. ahhh she is hottttt.

maiden studio wu class tonight too, in the form of trinity's reggae-- which tracy and mich were supposed to go for as well, but tracy decided lambert>>> me and michelle booked too late :( didn't regret going at all, though-- i always think reggae is a very rhythmically sexy and feel style, and maybe just incidentally i swear trinity is one kind of hot. like hawwwwwt.

i think potentially lesbian tendencies are showing again. whoops. krystal would be alarmed hahahaha :D


heat also, in the sense that apparently i got into such a heated debate with a certain someone over tea that my fellow interns told me my entire face was red. ohmigosh. please just chalk that up to the fact that i have healthy blood circulation or something and not that i react too emotionally. but that's the issue i always have with discussing things-- sometimes it's so much safer just to stick to inanities, or even if we do get down to discussing things of import beyond shoes and shopping and weather it's usually more acceptable just to skim the surface, to discover the littlest of things we have in common and go away feeling pleased and satisfied that yes we like each other and can get along because we share the same views. but a lot of the time it's not so simple. we may agree in theory, or concur on the techniques to be used-- like not steeplejacking a civil organisation to further what seems an overtly personal agenda that may have been religiously influenced, or not. but when it comes to the substance-- the meat of the matter, if you will-- we may completely differ on things that are incredibly divisive. gay rights. abortion. premarital sex. religion. multi-theism. atheism. politics. and things like these, as ludicrously fitting as it seems (yes, i intended the contradiction), can make or break perfectly pleasant acquaintances or even wonderful friendships. and so many of us veer away from such topics, or never discuss it for fear of incurring another's ire or incapability to understand.

this is not tolerance in a multi-racial multi-religious society. this is escapism. but so what if we speak of such issues, and speak of them in "depth"? will we not find ourselves subject to a homogenising need to speak safely and acceptably so that another will understand, especially driven as we are by GLARING examples of people so fixated by their own views that they cannot or will not see the possibilities of the other side-- so adamant that it becomes repulsive, really? and that is not conviction and a stern adherence to one's ideals-- such extremism becomes political/religious/social fundamentalism, oui?

and so we speak only the accepted words in a carefully demarcated accepted space, bound by imaginary or at least not overtly-present OB markers even in our daily speech. and then, does this not become conformism to the tyranny of the perceived majority?

tuesday
derick and benfoo and kiat yi went out on monday-- in the rain!!-- and bought me a rum and raisin cake on the sly! i felt so bad because i'd even ribbed them a bit about going shopping even more than the girls. AHHH. and they'd called nette the cake adviser to ask if i take rum. haha. nooooo, i did not get drunk. and i did not rlh either, except when they first appeared with the candles and all. i was deathly afraid that it would set off the fire alarm too. haha. but it was v sweet of them :)






this post has overstayed its welcome and its writer's (and probably its readers, if any) attention span. i'm going to leave the last part of it for another day-- if i ever post it. let's see if anything else triggers it.

They told me to take a streetcar named Desire, and then transfer to one called Cemeteries and ride six blocks and get off at Elysian Fields
Posted at 12:22 AM

talking to a friend about past tumultous non-existent secondary school love lives (i don't know HOW it came up) i refused to give more details of all the drama.

Corinthus or says (12:20 PM):
more drama eh
aiyoh
havoc
i had er... boys


incidentally he's straight and happily-- VERY happily-- attached. just that he went to a boy's school. HAHA.


okay seriously i have to stop reading fmylife.com and get away from my computer.







but how to when there are gems like these:

Today, I was responsible for taking care of Hoppers, the rabbit belonging to my sons 3rd grade class. Tomorrow my son returns Hoppers so the next student can care for him. That won't be happening because Hoppers hopped out my 5th story window. FML

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML (sounds horrendously like my dad)

Today, I found out I have a restraining order against me from my ex boyfriend. Apparently, I drive by his house too much and it is considered stalking. He forgot that I live 2 houses down, and MUST drive by his house to get home. FML

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML (my lit teacher did this!! multiple times!)

Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML (totally me. heh)
Posted at 12:22 PM

i'm craving for you
and just like a fool
there's no way i can stop stop stop my desire

that song has been irritating me since this morning when i heard it on my run! i adore the song itself, but gosh-- i cannot get over the grammar. i'm craving for you? is that grammatically sound?

how ridiculous. inconsequentials like these pop up at the strangest of times-- today largely during the passion run. oh yes guess what i SURVIVED. i was deathly afraid that i'd crash and burn or have to walk the whole thing, which shouldn't be that terrifying but i'm an irrational beast at the best of times. besides i was right to be paranoid, only for all the wrong reasons as it turned out.

timeline:
12.00am: alarm set for 5.00am
5.00am: alarm rings madly and very loudly. is hit and shuts up. eyes close for a second.

eyes open in alarm. i feel too well-rested for it to still be 5am. timecheck:




6.41am.





DAMN SMART.

but my mum is awesome she got me to ecp before 7. hurhur. the wonders of living in the east. [ok my phone is about 10 mins fast la. but still].

anyway it started late-- when i got there i saw krystal who hadn't deposited her bag yet and then we had to find tracy and in the end we really started quite late. but the run was uber fun :):) I'VE MISSED RUNNING SO MUCH. i think it's the adrenaline of the race that makes me fall in love with it all over again :D apart from the losers who blast "my humps" on speakers (and the dude wasn't actually fast. POSEUR) or idiots who decide the middle of the road is exactly the perfect place for a little romantic tete-a-tete/ discussion on the philosophy of life/ workplace gossip about irritating bosses, never mind the fact that there are about 11000 people running around them or that they are actually participating yeah.

OH my gosh i rmb what must have been the funniest part of the run: about 8 minutes in i started hunting for a big branch to whack the guys beside me because this was the topic of their conversation, quote "if you want to sue in tort you must make out the elements of negligence--" unquote. you can bet i got out of there pretty damn fast after choking and trying not to commit culpable homicide.

v nice scenery v good playlist, last-minutely-assembled as it was. but we kept thinking 10.4km not 10km and so i think we all took it quite easy (except for tracy!!) and started sprinting too late or ran too slowly, although i think krystal sped up around the 9km mark. i was rather irritated with myself because i definitely could have been faster for the last 1km; messed up the end point and was still damn afraid of burning out. as a matter of principle and sheer bloodymindedness however i HATE to be overtaken in the last 500m. i don't-- or rather, can't-- give a damn if you pass me early on, because that probably means you're freaking fast anyway, but cut me in the last hundred metres and i will make you EAT MY DUST. subject to the disclaimer that i can, of course; i did anyway today so i was doubly happy. vindictive, what can i say, but woots for calf muscles even though my sister claims they look like tumours. AND IT FELT SO GOOD.

about 10 minutes after that i saw a girl with this slogan on her nike tee: "i like men chasing me". hell, yeah. girlpower! :D

tracy was wonderfully fast she came in less than 5 minutes after krystal's bf kelvin (who is also wh's friend!). krystal came in about 4 mins after me-- not sure about collen, but she came in quite soon also.

V EXCITED for shape run and adidas sundown! will cheer louder for the latter because i really think the cheering helps to speed the runners along. hmms. thinking of going for a nike breakfast run after that but i have a sneaking suspicion we will be late/wrung out.

AHHH must train for shape. i believe believe believe that i can do a sub-1-hour! *breathes in for luck*

collen left after that; krystal, kelvin, alaric, tracy and i walked to macs for breakfast. sights and sounds and amusements along the way included an abandoned earbud, quips about not being lame since we'd just run 10km! (if you don't get that, congratulations. you're really not lame), short sinks, cable skiers, lustworthy bikes, and of course krystal's umbrella and her new inventions for it that would be a boon to manwomankind. company was manifestly enjoyable even if we did succumb-- just slightly!-- to gossip. just a little *crosses fingers*. the two of them looked perfectly pulled together minutes after entering macdonalds haha i really don't know how they do it.

wanted to go over to wh's house since it was so close, but the BUM was still asleep. the "shy" bum. *tries not to choke*

and i have found another sweet couple to add to my list heh. tracy and i both think K&K are v v sweet HEEE yes we were voyeuring. kelvin offered to get staff discount for tracy and me if we wanted to buy shoes and also OMG he knows my full name k. cos it's on some nike list i was totally stunned when he asked me "are you *name and surname*? you're *insert full name* right?"

ooh and krystal has a very cute way of eating big breakfast she's damn neat and carefully and evenly applies maple syrup on stuff and then spreads other condiments etc and then puts it all together. and she dips hash browns in maple syrup too. AND tracy is like me because she's also always torn between egg mcmuffin and hotcakes haha. but strangely while i found the GO! drink v sweet she thought it was tasteless. AND my bag had a free muesli bar while hers did not (?!), PLUS we both lamented the crap bag. no way was it worth 80bucks i mean hello? ah the trivia you learn everyday.

a lot of trivia, actually. i learnt a new word today-- sort of-- or a new usage at least, for the word "fling". apparently it can be used to describe relationships you sort of enter where you're more or less officially together but not quite technically really attached. maybe you get the gradations, maybe you don't, but heh i think it's useful. fling fling! also learnt that apaprently no one uses "i don't have a clue"-- everyone just says "i don't know". really??? got laughed at. humphs.

so tempted to buy slippers at parkway today but then realised that it's only one point five more weeks before ni returns. then i can get my overpriced ugly black things from her. thereafter walked tracy to her bus stop; she's the nice one lor haha offered to go with me to alvin de castro's class and messaged me and everything on the way home; PLUS she sacrified half of her all too precious weekends to come out and run with us at ecp when she stays in serangoon.

unintentionally movie marathoned after tuition and girls' night out with my mum and sister; SPOILERS AHEAD, although they're really in bullet point and shouldn't make much sense. skip them anyway if you want to play safe-- for CJ7, hostel 2 and one missed call. my questions are:
i) does anyone watching cj7 not find the resurrection scene horrendously creepy in a monkey's paw kind of way?
ii) and when cj7 and friends come running back does no one-- NO ONE, AT ALL-- realise that hi it's an alien invasion??! just cos they're cute and furry....! would you have ignored the nazis if they all dressed as care bears (oh wait. okay, carebears are creepy too).
iii) after watching hostel 2 i don't want to go on exchange anymore unless my name is beth and i am uber cool and i can buy the whole of slovakia with my own personal funds.
iv) i swear something is wrong with my sister and i, cos when beth snapped after stewart called her a bitch and went snickety-snick we both burst out laughing. and by the time the dog started chewing we were rolling about on the floor, literally.
v) you can all feel safe about calling me now cos i don't ever want to have one missed call on my phone ever again. yeeechhh.
vi) okay you know what forget it. GOODBYE TO CELLPHONES.
vii) by the end of the movie: i just wasted like 2 hours of my life. sheeesh.


gosh where did the weekend go. :(

quote of the day: tuition kid had to fill in a comprehension cloze where the word was provided, only scrambled into meaningless letters. faced with "o/s/r/e/s" to decode and fill in the blank with, she wrote this:
because valentine's day is about love, people also give sores to their loved ones.

truer word was never spoken.
Posted at 3:29 AM

tomorrow's not going to be pretty.

so, so, so dead :(:(:(:(:(((((((((((


happy birthday to my favourite cousin! and well if i die tomorrow at least the last thing i did was watch a dance concert. not the most exciting ever, but i watched it with ning! and we spied the purple hoodie and granite-gray-graffittied shoes successfully! so oh wells. and i got to wear the crystal heart haha :)

ok. psyched and extremely terrified at the same time. i'm going to go cower in my bed and hopefully catch some shuteye.


mantras of consolation, from those who keep my portrait in their eyes
Posted at 11:34 PM

london bridge is falling down says (2:06 AM):
huh. yeah. haha
don't intern la. pay not so good, and your status is the coffee stain on the carpet



hahahahahhaa. SUCH positivity.

the abovementioned internship refers to a place where we actually had a hell lot of fun, but oh wells. can't commit. another dream dead and gone and buried.

i am now officially jobless until the next internship starts. in any case the one that just passed-- which i cannot talk about apparently-- made me feel like i was interning at settler's or kbox please. we started the first day with karaoke-- i think! we karaoked so much (actually today the seniors asked us to karaoke after work with them too, but i don't think anyone stayed. hurhur) and then proceeded to end on an absolute high that had nothing to do with being the highest XXXXX in the land (i'm censoring IN CASE i'm not supposed to talk about this and it's picked up on a web trawl. oh the paranoia) and everything to do with insane foosball. haha. ULTIMATE FOOSBALL. we played with EIGHT balls at one time i really don't know how janine and simon and derick managed to sleep with us screaming our heads off.

i think siewchi wanted to kill me because i kept blocking her shots (btw, we were on the same team. HAHA) PURELY by negligence i swear. i cannot concentrate on both handsss la haha but omg she is how good a defender/goalie la. we traded places for about 50 seconds and then both screamed oh gosh we cannot do this and then went back to defender/goalie and striker respectively (i surrendered midfield to stephanie, gladly. thank goodness heehee).

the kicker was when ben stopped poolsharking (do guys play that much pool? they were so good!) and came over to see why we were going mad. "mm? why are there two balls?" and we all collapsed laughing. he obviously didn't see when there were EIGHT. we flooded the goals with so many balls that in the end they all got stuck in the chute; looking for them, yiming said "i can't find the balls!"
siewchi: "they're in the hole."
yiming: "what hole?? I can't find the hole-- OHHH this hole. *rummages around* oh my god it's so deep. i feel like a gynaecologist."
me: "congratulations it's a ball!"

i felt quite sad when we were leaving for the last time-- no more restricted access :( but eurgh at least no more complete and utterly embarrassing zzz moments. because of this internship i have become the perfect candidate for ns, apparently, because i can fall asleep anywhere anytime. I SWEAR it's temporary narcolepsy. i don't even know i'm asleep! people can come up to me and say omg you slept through the whole thing and i'm like HMM?? I DIDN'T!........ well i didn't think so for this week at least, but last week ah. eeeps. haha. i blame it on folding silly paper flowers for my silly 21st-- 3 hours of sleep a night just didn't suffice eeeps. having to deal with sudden exchange issues did not help either. age really shows-- thinking back to jc days i'm pretty sure i slept 3 hours a day for an entire week while dealing with scripts for dramafeste (a confused and convoluted effort borne out of extreme sleep deprivation that, for some reason, actually got alfian sa'at's stamp of approval. i applaud janice's directing for that) and DEFINITELY did not doze off for hours during the day. i think.

anyway birthday was fun and i'm really glad for everyone who showed up or sent well wishes :) i think it's just too much to blog about at this time (it's 4.41am on saturday morning), but anyway random stuff: no best hula dancer since no one wanted to dance and i felt bad for trying to put people on the spot (i could SO empathise, since this was like minutes after the whole bday dance thing), so all the prizes got consolidated into best-dressed heh. our secret internal voting process by the way consists of me canvassing opinions from my siblings and jia ning and of course a healthy dose of self-discretion hahaha.

best-dressed female

weina! lovely blue lei with an artfully contrasted orange rosette in her hair, PLUS the effort that went into making the grass miniskirt! although she didn't wear it in the end haha :P ok la she was the official best dressed female, but thomas shared the limelight since he'd been so sporting about the hula dance thing and HAHAHA he er epitomised the island girl.


thanks to krystal for photos!

best-dressed male

liren haha. unanimous decision. i suspect it was the pineapple-- should win for best-accessory too haha seriously if he'd taken public transport...!!!

best-dressed group

hc051 and the freak. haha. too bad this wasn't an official category or they'd have won hands down. :)

most valiant award

my pubbers! or whoever's here yikes. i really think they felt kind of awkward eeeps :( never mind! the next pubco outing hehe.

nicest person, EVER
jin. i cannot believe she went to so much effort and haha damnit the only pic i have of her and her alone is an unglam one. so i won't post it. but she dressed up! :) and i really did find her name in almost every present. i feel so bad-- she's an awesome friend :) smudge ftw~ haha even if i DO have to agree that JJ's designs leave something to be desired. stick to singing, JJ. :P

most unexpected arrivals



AND oh yes yesterday i typed a poem for xf on msn and she scolded me for annoying her. BOO.
you're so sad!
you're going mad
there's far more fun in life to be had
don't feel bad
it's just a fad
when exams are over life will be rad
unappreciative best friend. HUMPHS.
Posted at 2:11 AM

shut up and


that's what you get for waking up in vegas

#115

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lots of things to do, needle and thread to poke my eyeballs out with (instant chant in head: silver thread and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine/ and i cannot let myself drown in the warm glow of your wine whoooaaa vintage), TOO MANY THINGS, SO LITTLE TIME.

and i realised i think i cannot blog about work because i had to sign some secrecy contract on the first day. damn me for not reading contracts.

but today was damn funny-- it's not just the mildly insane complainants who get into cat fights ("oi you seduce my husband! i whack you with slipper! haaiiiii yattt!!!" [since that happened in full view of the public i figure it isn't secret per se]); apparently the defence and prosecution lawyers in an assault case started catfighting too and had to be called into the judge's rooms for a talking-to.

DRAMA. soooo drama. ally mcbeal has nothing on this.

okay needles.

p.s. met benson at studio wu to register for bday dance packages. i feel so EVIL omg it was like 217 i feel so eeeevvvviiillllllll :( but it was awesome the way all the raggers kind of unanimously and separately and independently suggested the same present-- dance lessons. wheee.

p.p.s. finished emma tennant. surprisingly wasn't too bad (considering how i gagged at hotel de dream-- then again i suspect the teacher had something to do with it, the way she freud-ed everything oh dear gods), but nothing near jane eyre (duh). some surprising twists though, and i am sad because it completely denigrated my ideal of the perfect literary gothic hero, flawed and temperamental as he is. who wouldn't want someone named edward fairfax rochester? (i had a schoolgirl crush on him, i'm sorry. at sec 3 i thought he was the perfect man-- AFTER the fire. heeee)
see. looks like a trashy novel don't it. every morning when i read it in the train i get all sorts of weird stares and a bunch of people trying to peer over my shoulder and i SWEAR today two cops sniggered at me when i was reading it during lunch in some waiting area. oh well, back to steinbeck.

p.p.p.s I HAVE AN INSATIABLE craving for red bean for some STUPID reason. it's been going on all week. so if you want to see me i think all you have to do is sidle up to me, lean in close, whisper oh so softly in my ear the magic words "hong... dou... sha" and i'll be putty in your hands. DATE ME FOR RED BEAN PASTEY things please. hahaha
Posted at 11:25 PM

spring-cleaning, i found these:

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

- Christina Rossetti, "Remember"
______________________________________________________

on your midnight pallet lying
wake and weep and sleep no more
in your shattered heart all-knowing
you will see her nevermore

in that darkest dawning hour
with the shadows 'round your core
know the reaper's icy powers
never from her skin will thaw.

words that in her eyes were written
are lost to you forever more
dulled and silent, glazed and sickened
orbs will have their light no more

on your midnight pallet dying
wake and weep and watch no more
for her steps that should be coming
will never sound there anymore.

- for november 11th 2006, triggered by that and the original-- AE Housman's.
XI. On your midnight pallet lying


ON your midnight pallet lying,
Listen, and undo the door:
Lads that waste the light in sighing
In the dark should sigh no more;
Night should ease a lover’s sorrow; 5
Therefore, since I go to-morrow,
Pity me before.

In the land to which I travel,
The far dwelling, let me say—
Once, if here the couch is gravel, 10
In a kinder bed I lay,
And the breast the darnel smothers
Rested once upon another’s
When it was not clay.
_________________________________________________

'twas a good day (thank you my tow-headed twerp! although i have forgotten what TOW stands for), in which i learnt how to eat edamame ("haven't you ever french-kissed before??") and jumped as someone literally burst into laughter upon seeing "prifessional high-qualiry speakers". the same someone made sinister faces at a baby and eyed a girl who must have been all of 16, claiming that she was not too young for him. right. 2 years and 2 days of insane and poetic fellow twerpship, indeed-- undeniably mostly enjoyable. mostly :P

a good day, although the first sight i saw today (that left an impression, at least) upon stepping out of the house was a car knocking over a pizza hut delivery motorcyclist. he seemed to be okay, though.

may tomorrow (today?) be as harmless.
Posted at 12:53 AM

tell me: when you see "roborovski w/ face" what do you think of?

roborovski WITH face, right???

but not, apparently it's roborovski WHITE face. and hw laughed at me for ages :(



swimming was fun although we had to keep eyeing the sky since it was raining and lightning threatened to spear the buildings around us. ahem SOMEone's bikini SUPER bling and SOMEone's figure damnnnn hot can hehehe. didn't swim nearly enough (we got hungry after trying to meditate underwater haha i figured out how to sit on the ground-- buoyancy matters!); finished the colour purple in the sauna with hw and then went shopping for alex's watch and work clothes. i ask you is there no decent white shirt to be found anywhere :( i need shoes too because i don't fancy tripping around in 3.5inch heels for two weeks straight, everyday.

picnicked-- sort of-- outside the library singing songs of yesteryear and then headed to esplanade underpass to relive our sec sch ne'er-do-well days, although i think my partner-in-crime in those days was actually xf/the creatures. met ce zheng there-- i don't think he recognised me though he looked absolutely confused when i said hi although that could have been the effect of too many spins or sth.

how we change. the studious "TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT" vice head prefect (right right?) that i knew has now become a liberal cyber-savvy hacker babe. nice to know, though, that she's as strong-willed as ever-- "don't even think of proposing till i'm at least 27!" on the first date sounds pretty firm to me :D but so much has alterred in her life and i wish i'd kept in touch more and been there when she needed us. darling jenna you've had a lot to bear; hope your dad's dinner was fine though!

incidentally i cannot help but be incredibly amazed and touched by how the raggers are all sticking up for me against RL. ha. he deserves it. NEVER offend a bunch of lawyers. okay alright maybe he doesn't deserve it but seriously WHAT a screwball. i told him to enjoy his life and then i emailed the raggers to tell them not to waste time on him that we're not charging him for. hurhur. *slaps self* bitchy.

righto-- steinbeck awaits.
Posted at 2:31 AM

blue is the wrong colour for roses, but how good it looks on our skin.




woke up at 10.12 when i was supposed to meet lily lee and nette for macs breakfast (egg mcmuffin btw is yummilicious! i fed the meat-- what the heck is that, though? ham? bacon? turkey?-- to my dog, i hope he doesn't die) at 10; the perils of staying upo till 5am the night before reading alice walker. incidentally don't you just hate it when you fall alseep reading and wake up to find the book mysteriously missing and, after about a century of irritated searching, find it mysteriously and inexplicably tucked into your pillowcase? that's the first place i search now anyway after i lost by the river piedra i sat down and cried two nights ago-- a book which i am incidentally still incredibly ambivalent about. hmms.

shot out of the house in double quick time and actually reached raffles still in time for breakfast-- with about 10 mins to spare. it's very fun teasing the two of them heeheehee but apparently i missed quite a scene because of my tardiness, when lily lee got completely pissed off at one of the workers. nette left all too soon :( plans to go to teadot with lily lee never materialised after all, because after trawling raffles city staring at two-pieces (it's summer fever i tell you) and sunhats and chain-link hairbands we delved into the labyrinth that was bugis street and perused all sorts of strange baubles and potions and magical thingamajigs that promised beauty, attraction, fairness beyond all in the land; a futile search for the perfect sundress has tempted me to make my own, which would be a complete disaster and probably would be something more along the lines of a beachmat than a beachdress, really.

driven by visions of a haunting tennessee williams and drunk on self-will and unsatisfied impulse we hit upon the idea of getting matching blue-rose tattoos. she was decisive and knew that she wanted it on her wrist immediately-- i vacillated between navel and shoulder blade and collar bone and hip before settling for collar bone. eeps felt like such a noob. but in any case i have realised that i cannot stop at one tatt because immediately after i saw the results of the blue rose i said "omg i want another one".

i am so enamoured with them. "blue roses"!





too bad they'll fade in about three days or so :(:(:(


YAH LAH TEMPORARY LA. WHAT DID YOU THINK.

and eh xf is indeed my best friend. haha. she saw through it immediately haha despite knowing i've wanted a tattoo since sec 2 i think (and wanting it with me. hehehehe). still irritated with myself for not having seen her message! :( lily lee and i'd been busy hunting for the perfect blue rose tattoos (eh it';s important ok) and i guess in the hustle and bustle of trawling through the whole of bugis street and then bras brasah and then rochor centre and then all the damn costume party shops along middle road AND THEN bugis street again i just didn't hear my phone :(

today was good fun :) after that insane walk we crashed at iluma and talked till our teeth started chattering in the freezing airconditioning; fiona apple, stupid jim, antigone rising, incubus, school, septic and abortion (hahaha ehh i am tempted to groan here but shall refrain heeee) and um let's say physical aids hahaha. then we adjourned to buy scones for her sister and went our separate ways :(

i contemplated walking to boon keng but since my feet were threatening to kill me after last night's somerset-to-kallang traipse (what i love about singapore is that you can walk on the streets in the middle of the night and still stay relatively safe) and our recently-concluded tattoo hunt AND class yet to come i decided not to try and kill myself. but it was only eight stops in the end lor. completely walkable.

i hate that i cannot do lyrical anything :( chun's class yesterday was lyrical-- hiphop, i guess, although it seemed quite jazzy as well; so was today's class ARGH why is everything going lyrical on me. but despite the completely dismal results (can we all say "catch no ball", eh-- omg the videos CRINGE eurgh i destroyed the choreo) i was v v happy-- i'm always happy when there's dance lah even if i screw up all the steps and i liked chun's choreo! and tonight's, too :):):) ALTHOUGH she used chris brown. EURGH. i have moral issues against chris brown.

in light of which, alice walker is damn depressing to read.

but speaking of chun's class talk abt coincidental haha the person who took our grp photo was also the bassist from lily lee's band and i totally didn't know for sure if it was him and "do i know you from somewhere?" just sounded awfully bad-pick-up-line-ish. so i messaged him afterwards and he called back and YES it was him. yay i don't have such a screwed up memory after all.

thank you xf for waiting up (whether it was for me or not hahaha) and a very entertaining "you wasted so much time" conversation you idiot player of a sunflower. hahaha (k)(l)

bah must wake at 7.30 to meet hw to swim. yeeeks i'd better go hunt for a one-piece now, and to restring my guzheng (since WHEN did guzheng strings get so expensive i ask you??? wth i think i got ripped off) and spring clean before my dad has an apoplectic fit at how messy the house is. good night world, from a happily-blue-rose-d keron who is off to sleep, perchance to dream


I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion.
Posted at 1:11 AM

feeling MUCH better after jumping about in the rain. am drenched and cold now-- will definitely pay for this tomorrow, but what the hell.


i wish it would rain harder. (:





and-- thank you. you will never know how much what you did meant to me.
Posted at 2:47 AM

start to breathe and fake a smile
it's all the same after a while


it's just me and the streetlights, tonight.


oblivion is not the answer
Posted at 1:04 AM

touch it taste it feel it rock it freak-fantastic!

top ten reasons i'm screwed for/because of exams
1) shopped too damn much. note to self: lie in wait for ibanking transactions mail. DO NOT LET MUM SEE. (also be ready to intercept packages)
2) i discovered at 4 am this morning that judicial review is NOT subsumed under delegated legislation. so basically for that entire topic i'd NEVER done anything or had notes etc. damn freaking smart
3) i slept at 5.23am. hurhur. for a 9am paper. with temp-taking at 8am. (thank goodness for dads who rouse themselves to drive you to school). this was one of like three papers in my entire life that i'd gone for with so little sleep. the other two were lit s and legal theory, but somehow i highly doubt that i;m going to get results quite as felicitous for this paper--
4) why? because i enjoyed it. when i enjoy a paper i don't do well for it. but i'd almost prefer to take the enjoyment over a better grade, because i feel more intellectually stimulated :D
5) i kept eyeing a preternaturally cheerful TLA. she dones't seem to be affected at all by the whole aware thing. hurhur
6) and i was quite disarmed cos she smiled at me. she's got a very nice smile. you know actually i've had a softspot for her ever since she quoted shylock at one of our lectures. freedom of religion? and then i read the today interview, and i was like wow-- i can actually empathise with her and her position-- she's not actually as confident and stern and brash as she appears. i;m glad i stood up for her over twitter. hehe.
7) i spent my time hunting for tennessee williams' the glass menagerie instead of studying, so that i could read it immediately after the public law paper.
8) my hand cramped up. and my nails tried to amputate my thumb :( should have cut my nails!!
9) my mum told me about my "surprise" party, and so i was busy brainstorming for things to do and people to invite instead of brainstorming for reform ideas and ways to uphold our constitutional rights.

i'm out of top tens. will add if i think of more reasons hurhur.


you know something, though. i'm actually going to sort of miss the exam period. stressful and crappy as it was the perpetual-online status meant i got to talk to my darling creature x everyday, and made stolen moments away all the sweeter. but central to the exam period-- what i will miss most-- is waking up to breakfast made by my dad, ranging from freshly-toasted squares of wholemeal bread he'd specially bought the night before, with vitagen my mum buys specially for me because she knows i think yakult is too sweet. and frankly the suspect filling my dad puts in (he's a maverick in cooking, really-- he pours hot water on packaged instant noodles and then puts ice on it when he wants to eat it) just makes it quirkier and more fun to eat-- thousand island dressing with peanut butter anyone?

i totally DON'T deserve parents like this, man. they even intentionally refuse to eat the vegetarian dumplings that they always buy especially for my sis and i because they know we like them. :(

THINGS TO DO:
1) get thee to a library, double quick!
2) buy a summer dress!
3) deal with uppsala lit module (:( i want to do 18th century!! sobs)
4) time to play with clothes! yay kat von d/ed hardy/good ole livejournal t-shirt surgery
5) SENTOSA
6) RLH. whooooops. :D xf!!! damnit why are you not here
7) DANCE!
8) learn to cook (ehhh this is like my goal for every summer. wth la. haha)
9) buy presents!
10) plan my darn party.

yes-- the stupid party. in the middle of my exams my wonderful mum dropped this bombshell on me-- a surprise 21st bday party that is now no longer a surprise because she couldn't figure out who to invite and didn't know how to contact jia ning and abby for help and didn';t know if they were in sg anyway. EURGH. and i would have started inviting people the moment my exams ended, or before, but i have no clue what goes on at a 21st and i think everyone will be very bored and NOW GUESS WHAT. apparently the chalet my parents booked may be used for quarantine for SWINE FLU. murphy loves me. -_____-

mum's all for turning the chalet into a 70s dancehall and tailor-making agogo pants incidentally.

i'm kind of quite happy fretting about stupid things like this, but omg TIME constraints! and all i want to do is read.

it was so wonderful sitting in the sunshine waiting for my dad to come pick me up, glass menagerie in hand and marvelling at tennessee williams' sheer artistry. in lily lee's words, if he wasn't dead AND gay to boot i'd have thrown myself at him.

or maybe not. AHHHH. the bad thing about exams is that you seek any sort of diversion imaginable, and that includes inadvertently reading old msges in old phones that should have been thrown away, and claiming old blogs. CRINGE. CRINGE. CRINGE. major CRINGE. oh my gosh hahaha CRIIIIINNNNGGGEEEEEEE. i think i can happily and assuredly say that my secondary school years were definitely the best of times and the worst of times. i have reclaimed four-- FIVE, if you count my diaryland account that was never lost anyway (and is safely locked now-- PLEASE tell me it wasn't public :(:(:(:()-- separate blogs from those years and discovered another one that i cannot access; and i know of three more that have gone defunct because the server is dead. yes, i know, that's a lot of blogs, but quantity does not connote quality or even anything more than one entry per blog for some. of the three defunct blogs the one that rankles most is the loss of my bloggercrab-- three years' worth of writing that finally veered away from using terms like "sweetheart" and profligate "....." incredibly characteristic of, say, a lovesick puppy. no wonder i hate using ellipses now. i want that blog back, damnit.

alright glass menagerie.

"fire escape": a name of accidental poetic truth, for all of these huge buildings are always burning with the slow and implacable fires of human desperation

p.s. how could i forget. RUN! passion run is on 24th omg; sundown 31st (at least i'm not running for that one); shape 19th july! lily lee i date you bedok reservoir! and jin i date you ecp blade and nette i date you cycle PCN! :):):)

SUMMER. <3
Posted at 6:30 PM

squandering time like profligate raindrops; someone needs to wake up my idea (DAMNIT NETTE i'm stuck on that phrase) and remind me HI consti law on tuesday yeah. big hairy scary paper with two essays and one hypo on topics i don't even have notes for never mind know anything about. three hours to scrawl my guts out.

spent WAY too much time twitterfalling the aware egm; honestly it was like watching cirque du soleil, except better. incredibly fascinating. sorry i blame the hour i don't think i can type coherently anymore. but suffice it to say: WHEE. sg rocks, we are not apathetic, et cetera.

clomped out of the house to meet hw at tamp 1 to get sy's presents and dithered for over an hour trying to decide whether we should get her something completely scandalous, including a series of prize-winning ribbons (think ribbons for BEST PIG at a farmshow or something) that had, emblazoned proudly across their overpriced but utterly unabashed exteriors, "best butt"; "hottest chest" etc etc.


dunman! how few our numbers :(


the jenna to my skada aka salsa queen, who was also so lazy she called her bf to fetch her home. WOMAN WHERE IS YOUR INDEPENDENCE. and hahaha wth edeline said she's still damn freaked out by me cos of my skada role. what laaaaaa what did i do man other than swing a "sword" at random people in bad makeup. mine, not theirs.

joyeux anniversaire simyee ma chere! dix et dix et un! merci beaucoup pour la invitation et un tres bonne nuit! AND SEE YOU FOR HAWAII. (i need a better name for that).

eurgh. so doomed for consti law yet all i can think of is friday and swimming and/or teo heng/kbox/icon! wthhhhhhhh. tuesday go OUT. wednesday platform and/or run. thursday dance and/or run.

caught jason wade singing one of my favourite lifehouse songs of all time on channel v. ahhhh.



on a sidenote blonde moment of the day: i couldn't break a small enough piece off my dark chocolate bar so i threw the whole thing on the floor. now i have dark chocolate powder. -_____-

i'm like a sunday morning, you're like friday night
Posted at 4:14 AM