the heart does stupid things.

it beats; it beats itself up, throws itself against its ribbed cage in futile protest let me out let me in let me let me. it beats in tandem with another's with or without invitation, skips a beat at a chance-caught glance, leaps at a word, sinks at a thought, thrills at a voice to beat faster-faster still.

it aches; it aches, knowing there are things it will never see come to fruition, hopeless dreams it will never fulfill, other hearts which will never choose to play "come live with me and be my insert-suitable-noun-here", which will laugh in derision or scorn or shy away in sheer disgust at unasked-for affections.

it breaks; it shatters into pieces between one breath and the next, shards that will cut here-- and here-- and here. shards that cut her name into your mind, trace his initials across your arm, brand their names across your formless days and unsleeping nights.

the heart, my friends, is weak.


i laughed in outright incredulity at what someone was doing-- the depths of delusion to which a person could sink-- but caught myself within seconds. who am i to laugh, to mock another's heart, however deceived it is? how many of us haven't leapt to the same conclusions at the drop of a hat, or so much as a sneeze in the wrong direction? granted we don't all deceive ourselves so fully, nor do we all persist in our delusions for so long, nor do we go to quite the same extents...

it is amazing-- amazing, and terrible-- what we would have ourselves believe. and i cannot laugh, because what separates me from him, you from her, us from them, but a fine, fine line? when does affection grow to obsession, innocuous thinking thereof to unhealthy stalking?

sometimes there can be so much more to be found when you decide to release what you think is meant to be yours. sometimes you need to learn, as i did, as all of us will and maybe do:


Posted at 12:30 AM

hi nette this is for you. hurhur.



wth from the sound of it the lizards hiding behind the wine cabinet are either the freaking size of mice, or spontaneously exploding.

not the greatest of sounds to hear from beind you at 3am.

why am i up at this hour when i have to be in school, coiffed and coutured and completely cultured, at 8.45am?

bahhh.

it's been a long week that's flown past in a blur of days and nights full of sound and fury on the mute. i finally got the chance to read and run, a little, although i didn't hit my target :(:(:(

spent today more or less youtubing; i blame emmy rossum, because (last night i believe) i flipped open the papers to realise that phantom of the opera was on tv; having issed more than an hour and a half of it i was resigned to not hearing my favourite song of all. nevertheless-- and i call this providence, and gods smiling on the foolish-- when i turned on the tv it was just in time to catch this:


i know people always talk of sarah brightman as quintessential christine daae, but emmy rossum's sheer... innocence... captures the heart. sometimes it's more than technique that matters, you know?

i have been away from friends too long :( but i am truly truly blest to have the creatures in my life, who always try to make time for me :D thank you xf for listening to me, you're the bestest (and most stylish) best friend a girl could have. (ehhhh creamy lemon fish pasta?? SUSPICIOUS) and sorry i was cryptic. haha. always act mysterious -_-

life is strange. distance doesn't necessarily mean a lack of closeness; being on separate continents doesn't always connote an ebbing of the feeling that no matter what happens in life there's a certain person you'll always turn to for anything ranging from homework grief to parental issues to boy trouble to (hurhur) married bliss. HAHA. but proximity doesn't necessarily mean you'll have that emotional nearness either; on thursday aakash handed me a card to write for marcus and i just sat down and stared at for the longest time. i couldn't remember the last time i'd spoken to him, or even the last time i'd seen him-- was it in the corridors, a class, lecture, the gym? being in (even) law school, which has like a population of waaay under a thousand, doesn't mean closeness or even random chance-sighted occasions are guaranteed.

and so we drift away from each other like unquiet boats, the currents of our lives tugging away and away and away. maybe that's why i've felt so unanchored this semester, like law school's a dream within a dream; compared to year 1 sem 1 we've all become so much further apart. what happened to cedele dinners with the boys tagging along, watching sweeney todd and elizabeth and starbucksing over rawls and mills and finnis, endless msn conversations, meeting to study over cookies and phone calls late into the night? some things were-- i guess-- meant to fade, but i can't help feeling like the underlying friendships ought to have stayed and if not thrived at least subsisted.

so despite the vaguely threatening murmur of the exams around the corner, we're taking time out to renew our fraying bonds. hopefully dinner on monday doesn't fall through or something. and hopefully the visit to the ulu-est place of singapore (read: ntu. HAHA) works out too! and ho sim yee! i want dinner at pomo again with you and hw and we can go and watch the martial version of kamasutra with all the suggestive positions that *ahem* engrossed you so much.

now -THAT- was a night i didn't blog about, but suffice it to say ishi mura food is excellent, the company was absolutely delightful, and a lone cds girl should NEVER go out with the sister-light-sister-dark of eds. HAHA XF you have no idea how many times sim yee screamed "where is xf". admittedly we were cruel, cruel, cruel, but it was fun. HEE. "my toe touched it"; "100ml is not a lot of ice-cream!" and of course the ubiquitous reprisal of the shui xiu. HAHA. sim yee is classsssic.

but we made peace at the end of the night, sitting in istana park eating pear sorbet out of the carton, watching the stars and threatening to throw sim yee in the water, climbing to such great heights to take pictures and marvelling over jazz CDs, too much homework and too little time to spend in each other's company.

sigh.

and oh my gosh whatever the lizards are doing they're still at it. SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP before i break my policy of non-extermination-of-lizards and start hunting.


i am sorry, even if i don't show it
Posted at 3:29 AM

i have a humongous zit on my face. i am going to call it parsival the pimple and force it to do my equity tutorial for me. :(
Posted at 1:46 PM

douglas in purple tights. not a sight for sore eyes. wait, maybe it IS s sight for sore eyes, as in the getting of. hahahaha

yes, that delightful *cough cough* sight greeted my eyes on saturday at TH's dance production. the drive to school was fantastic because the sky was burnished sunshine and gold in the most amazing of manners. this is what i like about storms--they wipe the slate clean and then allow the sky to exercise the full whim of her cloud palette upon her canvas, rose-tinged summer hues or incandescent auroras or just gold, gold, gold. it was like driving under my own personal midas vaulted-sky-- the same gold you get/see/remember as a child, driving through the cte tunnels ("mummy is this the long or short tunnel?"), where the yellow lights turn your world sepia and young unjaded eyes view it all as magical. i got hopelessly lost not knowing where the heck nus high school was and ended up at the shibuya waseda school or something like that. after walking around rather hopeless for 20 minutes i called abby for help and she totally saved my life haha dashed off in the 96 direction (ok i circled the school twice since i didn';t actually know the route 96 takes-- whaaat i've always only taken either btc or 95!) and after circling the carpark like a hawk for a good 10 mins i gave up and doubleparked somewhere before hopping off across the tracks to the school itself.

felt strange to be on the track in heels instead of spikes. SO. strange.

anyway got there in time to miss chun's item :(:(:(:(-- not wanting to disturb everyone i waited till adele's tones faded (yes, krys, you would have liked it) i slunk in while the applause was still going and then sank low in a chair. not a bad show, and the emcees were damn funny. short takes:

- xin hui's item was freaking funny. haha. engendered the douglas-in-purple-tights vision (vision as in the kind of hallucinations you get after eating bad mushrooms, not vision as in oh vision of loveliness. please do not wrong me.).

- omg i am blogging in bullet points. just slay me.

- kuan lye's hair is awesome. haha. she was in the jazzy piece-- or not really jazzy, but it was one of the better items of the night-- white outfit with green arm warmers? and seriously actually in ALL her items her hair was great. she really reminds me of the lead from after school (and coming from me that is high praise because i think that babe is hawwwwwt).

- qianwen is supremely happy when she dances haha i never knew she had such a beatific smile! she must have looked damn happy during fred/xuzi's item haha

- shingyeen has a very distinctive style and i am very very very glad for her that all her hard work paid off. i think she truly was happy and gratified that everything turned out so well in the end. i like her explosive style! set her apart from the rest of the dancers-- in a good way-- and although not all her dancers could catch her groove it was a good effort still.

- linda's item was niceeee :D

bah didn't really get to hang around a lot-- was in a bit of a mood and i had to go fetch michy michy mich. note to self: do not play girlfight in the car when driving, it is a song MEANT for bitchiness. turned out that i was early anyway so i brooded away in a carpark and somewhere amongst my consti notes is a page that needs to be torn out and burnt.

heard a few interesting things that night though. ROSES. hahahahaha :P and of course saw a few dozen cats-- okay maybe ONE dozen cats-- at the very deserted bedok interchange after michelle the miti suddenly remembered that she had to return an overdue library book, about a hundred metres away from home. thanks ah. bleh.


_________________________________________________________

also went for evocation last thursday... and-- rather surprisingly-- this was... strangely difficult to blog about. especially in comparison to the th performance.

i guess i have an explanation-- don't we all? but because i am at a loss for words, or my vocab bank has shrunk perilously low in this day and age of NOT reading anything except for textbooks (life sucks take drugs :(:(:(:(:( ), i shall take the words of one of my favoritest bloggers ever:

This journal is a public offering from a very private person, a way for me to work through things that happen in my life without giving away too much of myself in the process. I live a quiet life as a writer, with two small kids, one medium-sized hearing loss and one very big rockstar of a husband in a hundred-year old Victorian house in the middle of nowhere and we like it that way. I like it this way. We've been through a lot, though so if you pick a dark day to read, remember that brighter days are ahead. That's what I try to do.-- Bridget, Saltwater Princess

and as open as this blog-- my blog, i mean-- seems to be, it's not. i'm well aware that it is a very public offering from a very private person, and i have two servers (google and nuffnang) to remind me of that, and my constitutional law lectures to remind me that what you write in cyberspace DEFINITELY comes back to haunt you. and it sometimes comes back with bite. and sometimes worse still it comes back in the middle of lecture, on the lecture theatre screen-- one of the blog entries featured on the screen in relation to s 377A was a piece by one of our fellow yearmates, dearies. how do i know? haha. he was sitting right behind me when the screen flashed that.

but anyway-- i guess the public-ness of the space makes it difficult to speak sometimes, especially when it comes to emotions better left in the confines of our own heads. and evocation DEFINITELY triggered a great deal of emotional response, so forgive me if this sounds decidedly flippant or incoherent, because i'm trying not to self-censor without sounding coherent. (i'm already INCOHERENT). and flippancy is an easy shield.

anyway:

my favourite items of the night-- save him, bulletproof, slow dancing in a burning room and manumission, in that order. it wasn't that the other items weren't good-- it's just that these items made especially striking impressions.

i-- don't know. maybe i could relate to them more? does it sound wrong? haha. or perhaps they were hard acts to follow so sometimes the pieces that came after them might have been eclipsed in my faulty memory.

i think... the way ensemble dances is so-- different-- from blast. it's not just about the dance styles-- when you look at it after a while dance is dance is dance, but the crux of the issue is that at its heart dance is emotion; the expression of the heart's core. and i think the styles of dance which ensemble pursues, or maybe the whole emotional aspect of all its dances, is a far more direct conduit to the heart than what blast does, sometimes. so while there are times and areas in which parts of blast and ensemble's repertoire overlap, i think it's very rare that we ever achieve quite the same level of emotion. unless of course you get ensemble-ish choreos like fred and xiao hahaha. and i'm proud to say blast is really developing in that direction i think it's v positive! it's no longer just dance, it has to have meaning behind it, and you have to feel it like pat and ahmad and pretty much EVERYONE says, now-- a hand placed is not a hand placed, it is a hand placed in anticipation of love, or sorrow, or hurt, or loss.

sometimes i think i read a little too much into dance, and i think maybe I feel a bit too much when it comes to dance as well. i can count the number of times a choreography-- or a dancer-- has moved me to tears, and i don't know what it says of me that that number is fairly significant. sytycd's bleeding love; lina and joo teng's emcc duet; ahmad's can't let go choreo (ok, almost, and a lot of it at that time was also my own state of mind); and of course evocation's save him.

i don't like being so easily moved to tears, because all too often tears are regarded as a sign of weakness. and why in the world would any of us want to be weak? and i don't know if being so easily moved somehow cheapens my reactions. but dance-- dance can leave me weak-kneed, soul-shaken; and if you asked me the last time i truly cried in "real life" as opposed to for dance-- truly, really, honestly cried-- i would have to say i can't remember.

ARGH enough. back to evo. and ohhh my gosh seriously haha we saw a side of fred we never thought existed HEH. yvonne (heng) was like "omg after this i'm going to be damn scared of fred" and tracy's reaction was-- hehe. V CUTE!! but seriously in like bulletproof even though i think he was a leeetle self-conscious there was a certain almost-psychotic undertone to his voice when he was speaking. i think the way he spoke made it-- worse-- like "you're not ready? but you said you loved me..." was spoken in a way that seemed so hurt, like it was the girl who was engineering machinations and toying with a very broken heart or something. but-- i think i kind of figured out what was bothering me-- it was like the voice of a child, but a cruel, unfeeling child, who had gotten a gossamer butterfly between his fingers, a fragile blossom, and was ready to start rending.

honestly at that point i wasn't quite convinced of that darker side yet-- tracy and i were whispering bits to each other in between items so i can't remember if i actually vocalised this or just thought it, which was basically "omg fred's too nice a guy to do a rape scene...!" in fact despite his intention to be rough i thought there was something hesitant-- almost shy-- about his pinning the girl down... almost-- incongruously-- tender?? hahah YES he has got to be the most tender rapist i;ve ever seen hahahaha. i think he really was afraid of hurting his dance partner la!

and bullet proof was good because-- i suppose the dance was abstract, but i liked the emotion-- the fact that given so many dancers the choreo had managed to not scatter the energy, that it was focused, that the numbers actually worked in favour of the choreography and created a wave effect-- like a culmination upon culmination. leron was goood her expressions were like direct bolts-- nothing ambiguous or held back, if she felt it she showed it. or if she was supposed to feel it she showed it (i HOPE she didn';t really feel everything she showed...!)

i really liked the bulletproof song; in comparison i didn't think so much of the save him music (maybe i had grammar issues. okay actually YES i did have grammar issues EURGH). it wasn't bad emotionally speaking, but the real gem of that item was the dance and the choreography. xiao later told us that he'd basically improv-ed all his steps and i was like omg but it was so in sync, and so apt.

perhaps save him reached so much deeper and more piercingly than bullet proof-- although they dealt with pretty much the same subject matter-- because of the way the dancers were characterised and brought to life as well; the smaller number of dancers made it easier to identify with one particular dancer, and/or to have your eyes drawn to him/her again and again and again, to see the desperation or fevered fervour or the pleas in their eyes. plus characterisation-- and plus the fact that fred and amanda are seriously damn good at emoting. i mean they broadcasted their emotions, and they were believable! when they were in love they were really in love-- he loves her more, she loves him more, back to back, heads swinging from profile to forward to face the crowd with such incredibly beatific smiles-- you could practically feel the rustle of grass and soughing sighing winds and a wonderful sun beating down upon you. ESPECIALLY when they skipped forward hand-in-hand-- i found myself smiling with them! i swear amanda has a face which begs for a halo.

but it all turned bad so fast. at this point i must say-- fred is a damn fast quick-changer haha i think he took like 10 seconds to change from a white shirt to black. my blood literally ran cold when the beatings started-- i can still recall him holding amanda and slamming his fist into her again and again, and it did NOT help that she was so small and slight even against him. her cries-- you know how sometimes a performance can fail because the cries are too overwrought, or too over-dramatised, or too screamy? amanda's cries were practically genuine, and heartrending.

and everything just went worse, and worse-- i watched xiao's expressions and my heart shrank, because the moment of dawning realisation across his features was godawful, because fred'd this movement where he literally picked amanda up by the throat and slammed her onto the ground, because there was no way this was going to end happily and there was such raw pain everywhere-- and then the gun came out, and he shot her, and he shot himself, and all was still but for the children left and abandoned, and oh my god watching them finally precipitated the tears that had been hovering. and maybe all the time i was waiting for fred and amanda to rise again, because godamnit there had to be some sort of happy ending, or what sort of life was this??

but of course there wasn't.

it was hard to react, even when the item ended-- the rest of the audience were hushed, too. i know fred said that the dancers were worried that it hadn't quite worked out because the applause seemed so muted, but i mean-- how the heck do you cheer or whoop after a performance like that? i really didn't take in a single image of apres moi-- the item which came after save him. ask me at gunpoint what it was about and i'd still be speechless; i pretty much spent half that performance scrubbing at my eyes and the other half staring blankly into space and not thinking.

damn. freaking. good. haha jinglin was damn funny when i told her about evocation she was like "amanda all along prooo". i have to completely agree man. :D

and apart from that since this entry is becoming bloody long-- short takes!
manumission was good because of the dancers' techniques-- THEIR EYES. haha. the dancers were incredibly talented (apsara) and absolute masters of nuances-- i was and still am in awe of how they could switch their expressions by the slightest tilt of their mouths and their eyes their eyes their eyes. so directed, so focused. and the switch from ethnic stasis to sudden dynamism was unexpected but SO in keeping with the music.

and slow dancing in a burning room-- i've had a soft spot for that song ever since i first saw wade robson's sytycd choreography-- the full one, not the one on the show. i rmb showing it to jinglin like last year when her dad gave me a lift to tiong bahru from nus i think, and she was exclaiming away and telling her dad to drive slower (in rush hour traffic!!!) haha and i leapt out at like the last second. whoops. i digress. but this version was good too, and rather reminiscent of the wade robson piece-- but i think they did put their own spin on it. liked the -- canons?-- and the repetitions. clement was v good here haha i was like WHOA this guy is improving by LEAPS and BOUNDS. lightyear leaps and bounds. :D


OKAY. enough. i think this is the first proper post i;ve written in days; the last proper, thinking post was actually the john mayer quote, but EH plagiarised not counted. hurhur.

to all DU people-- GOOD LUCK jiayou!! i'm looking forward to the show! :)

a-n-g-e-l
Posted at 2:26 AM

carol ann duffy is magic.




mrs beast
... standing alone
On the balcony, the night so cold I could taste the stars
On the tip of my tongue. And I made a prayer –
Thumbing my pearls, the tears of Mary, one by one,
Like a rosary – words for the lost, the captive beautiful,
The wives, those less fortunate than we.
The moon was a hand-mirror breathed on by a Queen.
My breath was a chiffon scarf for an elegant ghost.
I turned to go back inside. Bring me the Beast for the night.
Bring me the wine-cellar key. Let the less-loving one be me.


i want the world's wife! will page one PLEASE call me back, already :(
Posted at 2:53 AM

i want to go to the adidas sale again! :)

yesterday having resigned myself to vapid tapping at my computer/ stuffing my face with muffins/ making faces at my dog, i was absolutely delighted when michelle (ong) jioed me to go expooooo so she could hunt for dance shoes. the queue was insane but at least it moved quite quickly (liars and fronters-- there was PLENTY of space in there i bet they were just generating hype).

in the end we couldn't find shoes for her, although she did see the rainbow pair she'd been talking about only on friday-- the ones i had insisted were for gay pride (heee) and which were now selling at 60 instead of 139. O.O still-- no sizes. bah. sometimes i think we all wish we had bigger feet so we could wear guys' shoes. we concluded that the sale was a very "elson and weilong" kind of thing because it was utterly their style; matchy matchy matchy! i fell in lust with this blue jacket from the respect me range-- and found the matching cap and reversible tube (but in another colour scheme la) for it, which had me hopping up and down in absolute delight until i learnt that the jacket was 60 bucks. :(:( cannot. i am too broke and i need to buy a hundred and one bday presents. plus-- 60-- i mean, i can buy shoes!

ah yes shoes. whyyy does it close at 7. i want more time to look at shoes. i heard one of the salespeople saying "yes, this is better for offroad" and i was DYING to look at that pair. i want i want i want! bleh. but i would have felt horrid if i dragged mich to hunt for running shoes when the whole purpose of our trip was for her to find dance shoes.

we did end up spying on guess heels, and i've found yet another avowed hater of toe cleavage. whee.


and... i think something michelle said yesterday really really made my day. (: it was a very simple thing, but it cleared up an impression i've always had, which i guess weighed quite heavily on my mind, sort of. and i guess it was good to know that whatever i'd thought wasn't quite correct, or at least not the whole story. hearts blast a lot a lot :)

grrrr my dog is whining at the rain again. i'm gg to go let him in.

krystal and collen and tracy and i are going for saucony passion run (which i keep referring to as the 100plus run because everyone does a "sorry come again?" when i try to pronounce saucony. bah). whee. means it's time to start running properly and consistently again. well it's a break from the books i guess i should be happy.

won't be blogging about evocation till after the last performance tonight cos i realised my account will be full of spoilers. my only words on the topic-- GO. just GO, if you haven't gone, and if you're free. even if you're not free. hohoho
Posted at 4:19 PM

i like this song (:
and really the styles of choreo to it are so different...!






but this one is my fave :D they are so SYNCED. me likee muchee muchee.



i think i want these nails next.katy perry's nails!
Posted at 9:57 PM

ADIDAS AND NINEWEST/ENZO SALE.

i KNOW i said/told myself that there has to be better and more menaingful things in this world than the next pair of heels (or running shoes running shoes running shoes), and that is precisely why i decided to spend on the xiaoou bake sale fundraiser (webakewithlove.blogspot.com) rather than a pair of killer pre-order doc martenesque heels, BUT-----!!!


argh.

ok no. yvonne shall be a good girl and stay at home and read cowan v scargill and save her money for dance lessons and run sign-ups. and guitar hero, which i have become strangely enamoured of after forgoing tutorial prep time to play yesterday (maiden attempt! nette WE SUCK AT DRUMS haha ben is GODLIKE. like PWNAGE godlike).

:(

:(:(:(:(:(:(


okay. MAYBE i will just stop by for a peek.


incidentally the fundraiser baked stuff isn't too bad after all. the brownies are really rock biscuits in disguise, but the nutella cupcakes (dad ate two! or i should say he INHALED two) and the choc-chip-walnut cookies (finished. i think tt was mostly my fault) and the blueberry muffins (tracy and michelle didn't complain in the car ystdy, so i hope they were okay! hoho) were yummy :)


will blog about evocation later. it was so. so. so. gooood.
Posted at 3:28 PM

how dare you say it's nothing to me
baby you're the only light i ever saw
Posted at 1:41 AM

medusa

There are bullet tears in my eyes.
Are you terrified?
Be terrified.
It’s you I love,
perfect man, Greek God, my own;
but I know you’ll go, betray me, stray
from home.
So better by far for me if you were stone.


the promise of rain whispers in my ears. i think it is time to sleep.

listen. it is raining. the night is singing.
Posted at 3:25 AM

this is why you should never go for consti lessons unprepared.


my notes:

If you have a law that has already established its

Is the rational nexus test conflated with bad faith? Must lie in the reasons why the co
OK WTF IS GOING ONNNNNNN




i give up. :(
Posted at 7:03 PM

walking into school this morning i heard a growl behind me--

and looked up--

and saw the unmistakable silver insignia of a prancing horse, imprinted against a cobalt blue finish, as it-- it-- smooved-- into school.

seriously. there's no proper word to describe it. haha. and even though the ferrari was going at most 10km/h-- prowling, really, as opposed to normal cruising-- i swear i could hear the echoes of vrooming speedsters in its engines.

ahhhhhhhhhh.
______________________________________
this is going to be a bimbo post because it's monday and i'm not thinking clearly and i ahd only 42 mins worth of lessons so not exactly in a thinking mood yeah.

what happened to the weekend? considering i have a LONG weekend the fact that i'm asking this question is actually quite painful. rarr. i remember buying my sister's burgundy baby (which is disgustingly 2.4kg heavy. michelle poon i tell you you're going to suffer. i warned you. i'm going to have a lot of fun telling you i told you so.) with the matching mouse that i asked for after i saw how ugly the free mouse they were giving us was. and we bought her portable hard drive too, which she incidentally hasn't fully finished paying me for. HINT. HINT. (stop buying pretzels from lecherous little boys and gimme back my marnieee.)

then i had a humongous fight with my screwed up dad and then proceeded to spend the rest of the night fuming over constitutional law. which i took like two days to finish, or not really, considering i skipped all the malaysian cases.

saturday was spent swearing at traffic as i tried to deal with rush-hour volumes with another blinding headache. stupid ang jinglin laughed at me for going in and out and in and out of all the erp gantries i could find. i mean, seriously. if there was a gantry in the vicinity that i could reach but didn't go through i'd be surprised. GARGH there's not supposed to be erp on saturdays anyway! waste my $. my sister told me later that i was driving like a maniac. eh i blame the headache and the traffic and the SUV who tried to flatten me. :( (okay, fine, i blame the driving tester who passed me. happy? see if i ever fetch you to work again haha)

bought body shop stuff-- or at least my sister bought them after relaying retail messages to me over the phone as i searched rather futilely for a parking spot. bleurgh. bought sweet potato dumplings and more muesli-- 1.5kg's worth, actually. they're good for eating with yogurt hoho omg i'm mad. BUT excuse me carrefour hates me! no matter WHICH brand of muesli or cereal i switch to it goes OUT. OF. STOCK. like immediately. like the next time i return, which is always really quite soon since i eat a LOT of cereal/muesli.

nette i blame you.

hahahaha.

sunday dawned late since i'd slept late; to be perfectly honest sunday NOONED late. eurgh. waited for the rain to abate and then splashed merrily through puddles to take beloved bus 10 to tampines to pay a visit to my much-neglected tuition kid, who informed me that she wanted to eat the whole world and proceeded to draw an anti-drug mascot that was essentially a pill with limbs and a head. she said it was a very kind mascot and wanted to call it "Apple". I don't think she has a lot of imagination-- we were eating an apple-and-pineapple salad her mum had prepared, which was incidentally very yummy.

oh and she wanted to write her anti-drug pledge in rhyme. stumped when she insisted on tagging the opener "i will not take drugs because..." with "they are really dangerous", i floundered a little before finally hitting on something krys would totally approve of and that liren once sang:

you think you're really serious
clever and mysterious
talking like you're dangerous
talking like a fool

heehee.

anyway disgusted by how short a time i was spending in school-- 42 mins! tang's lecture lasted 42 measly minutes! i take LONGER than that to get ready to go to school (on days when i do not wake up late and have time to eat and read the papers and brush my dog and/or cycle OR have a wardrobe crisis)!-- i threw myself back into the gym after a long long long hiatus.

time to put those NBs to good use, man. but they suck, and i miss my adidas, and i detest running on treadmills. sort of. actually i just don't like random people i don't know peering into the gym. and most of all i ABHOR absolutely ridiculous guys who hog the weight machines and are so RIDICULOUSLY vain they think anything with long hair in the vicinity ought to be watching in awe as they flex their godlike deltoids and-- get this-- eye themselves in the mirror admiringly. i mean, come on. you're in the gym. the mirror is for you to check your posture, not fix your hair, or to go right up to it so your breath fogs on the glass as you check your flawless complexion or something.

and please. he was lifting (pulling?) less than eighty pounds. gimme a break.

bitchy bitchy. haha. blame it on constitutional law which i am SUPPOSED to be doing but clearly am not. and bleh sundown marathon event tees are out!!! they are awesomely nice i am sad that i'm not doing it. :( oh well at least i get to volunteer. anyway:

"All sports hurt, but running hurts above all. It is the leather-clad dominatrix of sports."-- courtesy of Emily, reading from Times Online.

i love pain. :D
______________________________________

i miss dance. :( whyyyy has blast ended i was so looking forward to like one last class before delving back into academic tedium.

we're sitting in the SLR room talking about internships now and I'm fretting a little over what I'm going to manage to get. in any case the two i've applied for i've already structured around the yog performance on 29th june (whee!!) so hopefully whatever i'm accepted for won't screw with practice dates!

haha. if my mum could read this she will seriously tell me i've gotten my priorities freaking screwed up man.


okay omg i started typing this at 3.22pm and it is now 12.49am. BACK TO WORK.

this is my wintersong
december never felt so wrong
cos you're not where you belong
inside my arms

Posted at 3:22 PM

ok haha don't panic. i don't have a friend called eleanor who's got hiv. but basically i signed up with nuffnang on poonpiepok's recommendation a while ago and around vday this advertisement about "our not so secret lives" kept flashing on my blog. seizing any chance/excuse at all to escape from work, i went off to read the blogs

in any case there's a contest where you're supposed to write your own version of the ending to the story and post it on your blog. so I’m doing it for fun. And now I have to go back to work, because i STILL haven’t done LCS notes.

No blast class this Wednesday. Yvonne is SAD. But at least then that means I don’t have to sprint down to anson after class ends. still :(

tracy and i are going to studio wu for classes! this is an open jio people! :)
Posted at 12:42 AM

I will be the answer at the end of the line


Eleanor went for her follow-up HIV test today.

The experience was horrible. I went with her to the clinic—with Cameron nowhere in sight again. He dropped off the radar the night before and still hasn’t surfaced. Even Trey's given up on trying to reach him.



But Cameron’s MIA status is the last thing on Ellie’s mind. She just got called in, and I am now sitting here writing this furiously on the back of serviettes from the Starbucks we went to just before Trey fetched us to the clinic. He got the car especially to ferry us around, saying that he didn’t think Ellie should have to face public transport today. Worried as I am I can’t help but think—he’s so sweet (: .

Before Ellie went in she was literally chewing on her nails, reducing an otherwise-pristine French manicure to gnawed shreds. I couldn’t help but feel indignant—surely she shouldn’t have to go through this alone? Where was Cameron? Sure, I’m here, but it’s different. Cameron should have been here. What kind of a boyfriend is he, anyway?

Trey—who’s waiting in the car outside (to give Ellie and me some privacy) and messaging me—tells me Cameron’s a good guy, but this—all this—is simply more than he can handle at one go. And although my instinct is to leap to my best friend’s defense and ask him—Cameron, I mean, not Trey—how come he can’t handle it when Ellie can? I mean, isn’t he supposed to be the man in this relationship?

But Trey’s right.

It is too much to handle. How old is he, for heaven’s sake? We’re too young for things like this to happen to us—that’s what we always think. But the truth is that age is no protection. If we’re old enough to have sex, or if we think we’re old enough, then we’d better be prepared to handle the consequences that can follow.

But can we ever be ready to face such consequences?

Ellie is only handling it because she has to. And even then only barely handling.

I mean, look at the chewed up nails. Queen E never chews her nails. ever.

She’s been in there an awfully long time. What’s going on? Oh please please please let her be alright…

Oh God, she’s coming out. She’s coming out.

“Ellie…?”




…………

It’s confirmed.

Ellie’s HIV-positive.

…………




Ellie cried a lot when she first came out. She couldn’t stop sobbing for hours afterwards, and each time a fit subsided, all she would have to do was think—of her parents, her sister, Cameron’s reaction, the whole awful truth of the matter—and she would break down again.

All I could do was hug her and fight back the tears myself.

HIV-positive.

It’s like a time bomb hanging over her head, and we both know her life—our lives—are never going to be the same again.

There are no easy answers to the million questions I had before—the million questions that have bred another million, like crazy rabbits or hamsters. What is Ellie going to do? How is she going to tell her parents? How will Cameron take this news? Is Cameron HIV positive too??

I still don’t know if she cheated on Cameron with her ex, but at this point I’m not going to ask. Does it matter, anyway? Whatever she did, it’s over and done with. It’s the consequences that she’s got to live with now that matter.

And best friends don’t judge. Best friends never judge. We can only choose to be there for our best friends, and we accept them as they are. We aren’t supposed to try and change our boyfriends “for the better”, so why should we attempt to alter our best friends?
___________________________________________
I feel like I’ve grown up so much over these weeks. My life has changed a lot. I’m no longer the Clever Jesse, the Fearless Jesse, funny and smart and carefree, with Eleanor the queen of best friends by my side.

Eleanor’s situation has brought home to me how vulnerable we are, and that youth is no defence against life, or reality. For all we pray and all we hope, life doesn't necessarily guarantee us a happy ending. Sometimes you get second chances. Sometimes you don't.

I don’t know how Ellie’s parents are going to take the news, and I am praying and praying that Cameron is going to be okay.

And yet, at the same time, it’s not all gloom. I’ve got Trey by my side—and I am more grateful than I could ever properly express that I’ve had him there to see me through all this. All the smses, the late-night conversations-- just the fact that he's there for me makes me feel so much more able to deal with everything.

In a way one good thing—maybe the only good thing—that has come out of Ellie’s HIV saga is that it has taught me how important staying faithful is. All Ellie did was slip up-- once. Once, and it was enough. And Ellie's ex? Maybe all he did was slip up once, too. But once is all it takes-- for a condom's 98% success rate to fail, for one seemingly-harmless night of uninhibited headiness to turn bad.

Warped as it is, I think both Trey and I have been very much sobered by the entire thing. I love Trey, and I want to be with him whole-heartedly. But as strong as my feelings are for him now I cannot guarantee that this will be the same for the rest of our lives-- or even that we will be together for that long. I mean, come on-- we're eighteen. I asked Trey about it, and he—reluctantly, it must be said—agreed with me. We’ve promised each other that we won’t try and reach that level of intimacy in our relationship; I think he knows my views on premarital sex, now. And I feel incredibly blessed that he understands and respects them, and me.

Oh goodness I sound so preachy-teachy.

I think after this I will stop blogging for a while. It's been incredibly catharthic to write out this intensive period of my life, but spending all my time on the Internet blogging and Facebooking away is sapping what little time and brain cells I have left. I have schoolwork to do, Trey to treasure, Ellie to support. In short, I have a life to get back to living, and it’s going to take all my energy.

And Ellie—Ellie is so broken. My heart aches to see the girl who once thought that she would never stop partying, who felt the world should be her witness, who laughed in the faces of would-be Casanovas and challenged “vanilla faces” to dance. It’s hard to associate that vibrant, confident personality with the stricken girl I held in my arms today, a shadow of her proper, normal self.

But I know someday I will have my best friend back. Because Ellie is a fighter, and strong, and having HIV—and, ultimately, AIDS—is not going to change who she fundamentally is. She’s got maybe another 10 years left, and that is a harrowing timeline. But—as someone once said—life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but the number of moments that take your breath away.

And if I know Ellie—and I know Ellie—she’s going to make those years count.

Wish us luck!



Eleanor will go to become one of the most outspoken AIDS activists in the region, successfully campaigning for and instituting a number of healthcare benefit schemes for HIV-positive and AIDS patients, including increasing the sources and supplies of generic drugs available. Eleanor will pen several books, including an autobiography, an anthology of short stories about AIDS sufferers and "Queen E's Dictionary of Not-So-Naughty Swear Words".

She will break up with Cameron but the two will remain good friends.

Cameron is HIV-negative.

Trey and Jesse will be engaged at 24, and Eleanor will attend their wedding. One month later, she will collapse in the middle of an AIDS awareness talk in a community centre. She is diagnosed with terminal liver cancer, and will pass away after a protracted but dignified struggle at the age of 25.

Thousands will attend her funeral. Jesse will give the eulogy, and it will start like this:

"This is the story of our not-so-secret lives, beginning with the biggest secret of all-- how did Eleanor sell tampons to men?"




get involved with Jesse and Trey today @ www.notsosecretlives.com
Posted at 11:50 PM

since my sister has looped this enough times that the freaking song is hardwired into my synapses (arghhhhh) i decided it was time to share the misery torture song.


ok la ok la i concede it's nice. haha. joey poon you can stop glaring at your screen and hyperventilating now. your teukie looks completely different by the way it's in his eyes








i have a headache that won't go away, too much work to do, two sales i want to go to and no money.

our hair is perfect
while we're all getting shit wrecked
it's automatic, honey
but we got no money
Posted at 3:35 PM

i think... the blast jacket is marvellous.

it's like a portable hug.
Posted at 3:23 AM

today i looked humanity in the face-- figuratively-- and saw love in our eyes.

and i am so, so, so grateful for the world about us.

thank you eisen and aidil and sue faye and sam for responding to the platelets donation plea. i'm incredibly grateful that you all took the time to respond and to say words of encouragement and to offer yourself as candidates for donation (except suef, who is a little light, yesh. :)) thank you honyi for the well wishes; thank you joey for listening to me and for asking your friends and their families to see if they can help. thank you huiwen and simyee for discussing it with me and then helping to take my mind off things for a very wonderful wednesday night.

perhaps i'd better begin at the beginning, before i confuse even myself any further.


my bifurcation started on wednesday. blast was extremely fun and a huge relief to be at after fretting about exchange terms and courses, not understanding even an iota of what art 12(1) is supposed to be about (rational nexus test et al) and the complete letdown of vanity fair. poor mich. sorry! :(

pat said the choreo was going to be hard; too true. EVERY step that he said we'd forget, i did. GAHHH. but practising afterwards with yuko-- and occasionally weina or alvan, when they joined in-- was good; we tried to remember steps from practices from after emcc but got stuck. i was saddest about universal mind control-- i liked that one a lot. in between weina came up to me and told me that i hadn't got into comm-- she was awfully awfully nice about it, and i felt sorrier for the fact that she had to do it than for the fact that i didn't get in (although i'm not going to deny that my heart sank a little). krystal talked to me afterwards abt it though, and i really was surprised at who didn't get in. everyone who's part of the 9th has eveyry right to be there, but still--!

so my heart sank, yes, but it plummetted right after. as weina chivvied us out of the room i picked up my phone and read chu jie's message. even now typing this it seems so impossible and surreal. peiwen'd sent out an email telling us all about melvin's diagnosis, and i was just-- in a word-- stunned.

it was like a triple whammy-- seemed like just days ago that we'd received the appeal for the dhs student who was suffering from bone cancer and needed donations, and it was definitely the same week that yingying had asked us all for help regarding the nus student xiaoou's leukemia. now, again-- but this time it was melvin, and it was striking closer and closer each time.

i don't think words alone can express exactly how i feel, or felt, with every strand of the narrative that unravelled. chujie, becks and the freak (heh heh heh) met up with me and we went to visit melvin today-- thursday. we ran into gordon, lilin, px, wei heng etc at the lift-- pin xuan told us that there were a lot of people visiting. we didn't have time to say much before the lift doors closed on us, but i was glad to see them-- i guess i really haven't seen my jc clsmates in waaaay too long, man.

up at the ward we met charlotte coming out as we hovered about, uncertain whether to go in. she talked to us while waiting and arranging the rest of melvin's groups of friends who were waiting about to see him, and i swear, she is amazing. it's not merely that she's still so strong and undaunted, although that was a large part of it-- the girl's got fyp to juggle as well, mind you. she related to us how she'd gone home last night and settled on her bed to start typing her part of the report, but collapsed and practically dropped her laptop before she gave up and set the alarm for four. hurhur. never works. but i guess it's all a question of priorities as well, and as always the heart trumps all as it rightly should. but--

ARGH i don't even know how to phrase it. i think it can only be felt. standing there in the corridors of ward 77 on the 7th floor of the 7th block (hur hur shld bring in lucky 7 jackpot machine) and looking at charlotte's slender frame i could only marvel at how much she was holding up, and-- oh my gosh, i don't know. it was like in her tired eyes i saw a glimmer of something i've never truly seen in its entirety before-- something i'd sworn couldn't be envisioned in roses or candy hearts or chocolate, that perhaps we grow immune to when (and if) we see it in our parents' eyes. and a part of me marvelled, and blossomed, and took heart in the beauty of it.

charlotte told us also about the humongous wave of people who'd gone to apharesis (?) to try and donate platelets; about the random people who called either her or peiwen (haha peiwen's been INUNDATED) to ask about donations; about our class guys who'd gone down to donate. i felt so inordinately proud of them-- this support and outpouring of-- kindness, goodwill, brotherhood-- from people who knew him and people who didn't know him, except maybe they might have been in the same school as him once before or just got an email or read a blog entry-- somehow the sudden resurrection of my faith in humanity just took place there and then, and emotion just swamped me. oh love, this world of mine-- of ours. love, love, love, love, love.

we crept in-- all four of us, despite the 2-visitor rule-- and got to see mel after a while. he seemed quite upbeat-- and we all kept to our resolution not to ask him all the questions that he'd had to answer over and over and over again nonstop for all the visitors who came to visit. ah ha we failed only at the beginning when we asked him why there was a picture of a swaying coconut tree on his bed-- apparently it's "fall precaution", i.e. you know falling coconuts or something, to remind the nurses that he cannot fall cos he has trouble clotting blood. we told him he should just record a video of FAQs and screen it in the waiting room. he was quite cheerful; he had his spongebob on a chair (given to him by his 27-yr-old commander!!) and the "fruit basket"-- yu ci tang that felicia mistook for bao yu!!-- from his badminton junior. he showed us the bruises on his inner arms from all the blood tests they did everyday-- and told us about the STAFF nurse who'd come to draw his blood at 4 or 5am while he was asleep. he'd blearily lifted his arm and lapsed back into drowsiness before suddenly waking with an OW-OW-OW jolt-- the nurse couldn't find his vein and had poked the needle in anyhow. she switched arms and couldn't find it again and ended up switching NURSES. haha. but he's got like this permanent iv drip that they have to switch every 3 days; and apparently tomorrow he'll be getting one in the chest-- which they told him would hurt for a while. that led to a remark-- COMPLETELY INNOCENT, mind you-- about nipple piercings and i would just like to say EXCUSE ME i do not have a fetish for nipple rings! but it was so good to see him laugh frankly you could have said i had a fetish for ANYTHING and i wouldn't have cared.

i can't tell you how easy it was to talk with him despite the long radio silence-- army, uni, life getting in the way notwithstanding. we kept our visit as short as possible-- charlotte'd hardly gotten time with him the whole two days, and she'd said earlier that he was quite tired and coughing.

melvin's chemo starts on friday. we can't go visit him anymore, but we can email him-- or webcam if we want to haha.
i am going to keep him in my thoughts, inadequate as that seems. it is at times like these that i almost wish i were actively and devoutly religious, if only for the comfort that prayer would bring. but i know there is divinity out there, and i know the love and warmth and goodwill that exists in this world, and my heart and soul are glad, glad, glad.

meow-win, gambatte!!


what a beautiful smile
Posted at 3:50 AM

in our twisted world
very bad things happen to
very good people.







i feel like i've got my own personal laicite. i can't fully be happy when there are things that are worth being happy about; i feel like i ought to be sad but i shouldn't be eiher, i don't know whether to feel frightened or hopeful and positive.

bolts out of the blue.

light up, light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you, dear
Posted at 2:06 AM

this is like way overdue. from feb 21st? smth like that. but for those of you who are not ocd stalkers like i am (heeeeee), inspired by nette and krys' encounter with the proletariat poetry factory i blog-tagged people to write something-- anything-- on "hermetic".

this is what i got in return (in the order in which i read them). and my god they are like how different (sounds like the contracts we came up with for our lcs class). i love this!

hermetic by XX
the sound of your words resound all around me
ring, ring.
the beat of your footfalls, the tempo of my life
let me in, let me in.
the nothing between us, and then that wide chasm
miles, miles, inching closer.
the flamboyant and serious, IN YOUR FACE and mysterious
we've done it all, love, said it all.
the obscure and magical, the current and the biblical,
in our grasp and then off our fingertips, now.

here and there
you choke me,
now, then.

let me go,
you choke me,
give me back.

keep me in,
you choke me,
don't stop
now.

hermetic by napoleon the tin can
Fingers to lips to temples
we conjure thought bubbles
like overhanging clouds
overhead

i am cats and dogs in
you are silver lining encased

we are cotton marshmellows
a toast!
to you
to me
to our fluff preened entirety.

lips to fingers to temples
we abandon speech and soak
in the outpour and the downfall
of literary fortresses

i know. you know.

this is cloud bursting fury
this is the eventual
this is rain

drenched, we are warm.


hermetic by lily kay
These lips are sealed
Her-metic--
The secrets we keep that you will
not, can
not, should not--
No.

When Tourneur said women were made open he was looking at the wrong
Lips:
Some words we bury deep,
Too much ours to speak to friend, confidante,
Lover:

Try all you want, love.
These lips (sealed-upon-sealed-with-more-than-kisses)
will not speak.

(first will we bleed)

__________________________________________
The next word is dementia. i chope paraphrasing rihanna's disturbia don't steal! hahahha

omg ok back to equity. i am mad.
Posted at 4:23 AM

so much for advo. teri got through to semi finals, which is awesome beyond awesome (she was up against a year three no less!); my sister ended up as my witness after everything despite a lvls and work (which she is still at, even as i type this. oh man i mae her get up at 7am when she has to work till 11pm i am a bad bad bad sister :(:(:( ). (yz was really nice too i dragged him out to j8 so that we could talk over the whole witnessing thing and in the end blehh i asked my sister anyway. thanks yz if you're reading this I OWE YOU ONE!). and she was freaking awesome. i seriously thought she was going to burst into tears in the middle of questioning or sth HAHA i think that DEFINITELY was the reason my opposing counsel had to take such tentative steps about her. hey but although she rambled (he didn't stop her anyway and i'd ALR told her to ramble heee) at least she could answer the questions, unlike the prosecution witness (?!!!) like seriously. i'd timed myself the night before: without answers, just talking and pausing, i took 6 minutes. TODAY i didn't have time to finish all my questions-- even cutting questions i took up the full 12 mins!

and of course despite my twitter self-reminder i was humongously bitchy. the judges said as much haha WHOOPS sorry sorry lack of sleep really does make me unintentionally cranky. BUT HELLO when the damn witness takes like TWO minutes to say a "yes" or "no"? :s it was SO weird all the things i'd anticipated the prosecution would ask-- like about the will and the motive for killing her husband-- didn't come up at all. instead there was this whole story about how she'd collaborated with the tea lady to poison him.


uhhh..........

ok la i saw his point about 8 minutes into his cross-examination. eurgh. but since i'd completely forgot to prepare for re-x i totally asked leading questions right off the bat and of course i got slammed immeduately and apparently i started arguing with the judge. unintentionally, i swear. i was so nervous i scratched off all the remaining flowers from my emcc nails :(.

AND. we did not have time to prepare our closing submissions, so basically i read out my prepared bits and completely forgot about the whole page of notes i'd scrawled. whee.

fetched mich to cathay after that, where we went to pomo for ishi mura! my tomato coulis omu raisu was delish although i finished it in like 10 mins because she was running late for work. heh. looking forward to gg with sy and hw!

gramophone is incidentally having a humongous sale. hadn't been able to find my little voice cd in the day and wanted something other than anna nalick to listen to in the car, so looked all over for bareilles' careful confessions, or even morrissette or sandi thom or yamagata or michelle branch or liz phair or (insert name of suitably angsty/floaty/alternative female singer). couldn't find any. settled (REALLY settled) for amerie. eeeeeks. at least it kept me awake long enough to get home-- i was so damn stoned that up to now i can't rmb the last 15 mins of my drive back. collapsed fully clothed-- blazer and all-- while waiitng for my sis (joey) to come out of the toilet so i could get rid of my makeup and shower and change and etc. woke up three hours later. my mum said i was snoring. EXCUSE ME i do not snore. i've never snored in my life. *sniff*. damn. how utterly unglam. stupid advo.

oh well it's over. equity deadline looms my wordcount is empty. HAYTON HERE I COME.


by the way the queen of high heels (read: yours truly. high as in high defined by yesterday's urban-- more than 3 inch or sth) proclaims that aldo is UNWEARABLE. i have rarely met a high heel that i simply had to turn down at first instance (hurhur), but seriously-- i meet my match (and then some) in aldo. i merely tried on this barely-3.5 (3?)-inch-bootie and the moment i stood up i was like "omfg no freaking way". they HURT. like HELL. even the dunno-how-many-inch monsters i bought with xf at clubmarc were nowhere even remotely near these. aldo was like 8 on the richter scale of pain. clubmarc monsters are like simmons sleep posturepedic comfy in comparison.
Posted at 8:25 PM

i had the screwiest dreams ever last night (this morning, really). i dreamt of floss-- as in, not flossing itself, but floss-- and some other weird things.

the weirdest part wasn't the floss. it was where i think i tried to give myself a pedicure and i cut at my nails or i fell asleep and my feet poked out form under the blanket and my sister tried to cut my toenails instead. and inside the nail of my big toe were other nascent nails or nail clippings-- like lots of them. and the FREAKIEST thing about them were that they were all in strips and inscribed with words that rhymed, in sprawling spidery black ink, either a poem or a prophecy or something.

and i read those words in my dream, and they made sense, and hell i think they were even a good poem, overall.

i just can't remember the words.







teri said i looked like death warmed over last night after lcs tutorial. to be exact, "yvonne are you ok you look damn chui".

in my defence it was nine pm, we were stranded in the middle of a deserted cbd, i was thirsty and starving and aching from dance (ALWAYS WARM UP. RRARGH) AND heartily sick of studying. and craving snow ice and sushi. hurhur.

reminds me of what ning said after i went traipsing, rather unintentionally, over twenty thousand graves in yishun-- hahaha ying tang fa hei.

we used to lead such exciting lives. :(





equity assignment word count:0
advo script: not started, except for "may it please the court, my name is yvonne poon, and i am counsel for the defence. may i start my cross-examination of the prosecution's witness?"
equity tut: NOT DONE. hurhurhur.


life still steeeenks (ok not really), dance still rocks, nothing's new.
i swore i wouldn't cry for you
and i didn't, but i do

hot milk tea does wonders for cramps :)
Posted at 1:36 PM

we are swamped, we have no space to stop and stare
to catch our breaths and watch it mist in crisp cold air, or
summershine


to marvel at the fact that we are alive, alive.

my days are broken only by the tic-tac-click-clack of keyboard keys that unlock nothing.

i don't have time to feel, but the least i can do is remember.
and i won't know-- and cannot promise-- my customary rose;
but i can promise a moment, in the darkness, for you.

and in the midst of everything that's around us i don't want to forget.

翻着我们的照片
想念若隐若现
去年的冬天
我们笑得很甜
看着你哭泣的脸
对着我说再见
来不及听见
你已走得很远

也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由
说你不爱我

就算是我不懂
能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的借口
请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后

就算没有结果
我也能够承受
我知道你的痛
是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容
沉默是因为包容
如果要走请你记得我

如果难过
请你忘了我

someone gets excited in a chapel yard
and catches a bouquet
another lays a dozen
white roses on a grave

we miss you. i think we always will.
Posted at 1:18 AM