i have never been this unsure for an exam.

and i'm really panicking like 13 hours before it or smth. haiz. serves me right. damnit damnit damnit this sem has just been all play no study oh freak.

i'm not okay (i promise)
Posted at 9:12 PM

this is what the hell you were thinking.

this is what chance means, what reaching out
means
when you think it's enough you're afraid it never
is, or will be

and so perhaps you were gulled, we all like
a pretty face
but conscience-clean you can say you tried
you will always wonder
what the hell you were thinking
and it will hurt, and you will wake
screaming/cringing-thinkingtoomuch
you will pause, mid-step, mid-breath
screw your features into a knot

exhale

ignore the girl you were not
and never was, maybe never could be--
not for the staid is el dorado,
not for the cautious the possibility of dreaming.

when you reached for his hand and it wasn't there
whether he took it away, or didn't notice, or reached for another's
something shattered

what the hell was he thinking?

but he lost
you
won-- or not.
does it matter, a game?
set. checkmate.
love all.


in the beauty of a moment
in the moment of a breath
in the breath of a flash in the eye of a storm

this is what the hell you were thinking.










nowhere near what you wrote, babe, but i only want you to know-- maybe what the hell you were thinking is the right way to think, no matter how painful or cringeworthy the ending.
Posted at 6:55 PM

i hate statutes.

maybe i just hate open book exams. printing and printing on reams and reams of paper, which i can't help but feel would look sooo much better covered with the rhymes and reasons of edna st vincent millay, or carol ann duffy, or even sarah teasdale, for chrissake.

why am i surfing for navel rings instead of studying?! ARGH.

i need to practise self-control. in every sense of the word-- from mugging to shopping to my temper. yes. temper. freak.
Posted at 8:08 PM

i have trypophobia!!

i want to blog about it but according to my many-times-redrawn schedule i'm supposed to finish my LTA notes by-- uh-- 4.30. it is now 5.32 pm. bleh. guess this has to wait :(

eeeeeeks. i HATE trypophobia.

i shiver when i hear your name
think about you but it's not the same


and-- before i go-- pick of the week= denim (what can i say, i need new jeans)




if i could carry it off i would happily throw myself back in the bellbottoms of my childhood-- if it wasn't flared i wouldn't wear it. too bad, every pair of jeans you see now-- even on the guys!!-- are skinny. BLEURGH.
Posted at 5:32 PM

a conversation i had-- am having-- with jinglin on msn triggered a memory, and i went hunting for this entry.

29/8/07
7.45pm, BTC study room

He said, "I'd have liked to hear you say, 'Oh, powerrrr' or 'cos i want to beat the girls!' or that 'dance is life'... I really do think that dance is life, it's not just a hobby or to keep fit." And though at that time he was speaking to the guys, if he'd asked me why dance? why-- even before he'd said the above, i would have told him because dance is life, because i cannot imagine going through my days without dance, because dance for me is life and breath and love and death; and even if i wasn't able to get into blast that day i would still have continued to dance, as best as i could or can, because the day that something stops me from dancing, the day something happens to me that means i cannot dance again, that will be the day when a very big part of me-- perhaps the better part of me-- dies. And this is really truly something i feel in my heart and soul, in the deepest corners of my heart to the very marrow of my bones. When i say dance is life, i mean it. Dance was my first love, and it will probably be my last, as well.

Because you're the only thing that can save me from myself."

part of a rather more-- um-- epic-- entry i scribbled after dancetitude in '07. haha yes i actually wrote the above down in-- guess what-- my organiser. see, it's not just for making to-do lists. whole new meaning to organise your life.

it's been over a year. i have to wonder how much i actually achieved, how much i've lost, how much further i still have to go.

it's freaking daunting, and at times it's paralysing, and all i want to do is curl up and give up.

but if i do-- then-- sigh. there's always that big green box tucked away in a corner behind me to remind me of something else i gave up, something that could have been and was so beautiful. but that box is little more than a coffin now.

it all comes down to pride, and ego, and all that bloody nonsense. someone once tole me you only like things you're good at, which i think is unfortunately true. we are creatures of comfort, we are. worse still, i like to win. i almost always have to win. the thought of never ever being even remotely good enough-- is almost enough to kill me.

morose.

something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long
Posted at 8:28 PM

starbucks with venti-sized green tea latte and choc pocky and blast jacket to hug= contentment. and of course Random Ang making "hmm hmm" noises opposite me. hohoho.

and xf and ning are happily lurking somewhere :(

On the other hand-- here's introducing the fitflop aurelia, only my favourite and most wanted walkabout and pose-slouchily shoe. don't say they're ugly. they're an acquired taste.
the only problem is-- it's a hundred pounds a pair, and more pertinently, uses snakeskin/kid leather.

damnit, i like snakes, but i want them slithering on me. not DEAD.

yvonne, wake up! exams are 6 days 8 hours and 44 minutes awaaaayy!!
Posted at 3:12 PM

FINALLY found the bloody website for the hotel i was hunting for!

and guess WHAT. the atas-expensive-majordomo-swanky suite is having a promotion-- like 60% off or something. I AM SO TEMPTED TO BOOK THAT, because it is finally TOTALLY affordable!

but what do i do with the wine? i can't drink. :(

_________________________________________________________
speaking of imbibing: the irony of it all. after talking about hunter s thompson in yesterday's blogpost i opened the papers today to read, on a beer ad, "good men drink good beer" or something like that. yes, apparently it's a hunter s thompson quote too.

JEEZ.

in my head
your voice
you've got all that i need
and this make-believe will get me through another
long, lonely night

anna nalick. rocks. :)

(so does 7d mango and hunt's stewed tomatoes haha but er not quite on the same level yar)

and omg i just realised that the pair of gladiator-inspired slippers i've been eyeing is 100. pounds. not including delivery. oh crap.
Posted at 4:47 AM

i'm sitting in my living room surrounded by all the debris of my three dismantled and dishevelled clt volumes, glenn and... er... my primary 4 process writing file. don't ask, it was the only empty folder i could find so i just grabbed it and tossed merryman into it.

p.s. i feel kind of guilty about not buying glenn now. he's such a merry little beast. ok no sorry i meant to say: look at the inscription! "for jane, who wouldn't have written it /quite/ the same way".

can i be your jane? :D

anyway being on here is a little treat i promised myself last night (as in finish clt and then you can blog). i had a lot of little promised treats that er didn't quite get fulfilled because i did them BEFORE i finished clt, but oh wells.

i really do my best introspective-ish thinking in the shower. yesterday, showering at 3am so i could kick myself awake and wade through maximo langer and friends, i found myself thinking: if i ever did run out of things to blog about, all i would have to do would be to open the newspapers.

or, perhaps, do a clt paper, in the course of which i would start msn-ing (the website, not the messenger) and blogsurfing and generally getting up to date with the world.

the white tiger incident: brings a whole new dimension to zoophagy. ok, bad pun. and seeing as i was thinking about this during clt i couldn't help but think hoo boy, puts another spin on the buddhist who upon meeting a starving lion lay himself down. but-- i had to wonder. how desperate did you have to be, to wade right into the midst of danger, stare into its piercing sapphire-blue eyes even as you waved an inglorious mop-and-bucket in the face of their majesty, breathing in the retch-inducing reek of raw meat-feed; knowing, knowing, what they would do? did you quail, did you regret, when they pounced? did the final roar quake your knees, steal the foolhardiness from your bones, leave you supine as you curled in a foetal position? what about the pain, of fangs, of claws, of a cleaved-in skull?

and we are all gory, gory gore-seekers. we triumph in the fall of people, we don't see their pain till they splash it out before us in lurid splashes of crimson and heart'sblood. we are bulls blind to all until the grim-reaper-toreador waves his red-flagged scythe, and takes. then we regret, or we exclaim, or we wonder, but too late.

do we care, we humans? as the killers ask (rather controversially-- no one seems able to get over the purported grammar issue): "are we human, or are we dancer?"

(i don't actually fully agree with that implicit derogation of dancers, but i have to admit i see the poetry of what Thompson was describing. put simply Thompson was a reporter who wrote in a seminal comment: are we raising a nation of dancers, who only care about flashing lights and the glory of the stage without really caring for others? footnote: Thompson eventually committed suicide by shooting himself)

and so we measure step by step our paces through this world, following our own music, looking for the flashing lights, wanting to be rich, famous, a star, be in movies. so many of us can't be bothered to care-- and when we do it seems all we do is lash out. why do i hold this view? ah ha, clt steps in-- sort of, for a little rond de jambe before skipping out again. in an escape from clt i surfed blogs and wound up at steven lim's site. oh dear gods the abuse. and then you think about all the hate generated about dawn yang and fellow friends/frenemies...

we laugh at people who step out, who do not conform, who split from the dance and the stage and walk amongst the audience trying to connect. they don't all do this in the smartest of ways-- stripping, accosting people on the street, making hyperbolic claims about themselves, youtubing-- but they're trying. and what do we do in return? we laugh. we call them whore and fuckface, we curse them for being self-serving bitches, we snidely comment "she's got enough metal in that mouth to build a bridge", or "that girl was always crazy since elementary school" (this comment REALLY got to me). and are we happy only when they crash and burn-- jumping into white tiger enclosures, leaping into the paths of mrt trains, downing barbiturates and dying lonely deaths in unsympathetic cars? or when they crash and explode, taking out the world with them-- shooting a classmate, shooting a father and a friend?

koyaanisqatsi

and i thought-- this isn't the way i want my world to be.

so i'm going to live my life by a new-ish sort of mantra that came to me as the cold water sluiced over me (a symbolic baptism, mmm?):

face the world with sunshine in your heart, no matter the shadows in your mind.

that carried me through today. i was surprised at the number of times i had to think it, consciously. :)
____________________________________________________________________
on another note! guess who's back, back again,
xf's back, tell your friends!

:D whee. and oh er ning managed to sprain her back by sneezing. HAHA. almost as much of a joke as abby. but i hope the two of you are better now!! sleep well and heaaaalll.

and maybe don't order toffee nut blended creme lattes in venti size. heehee.
(but i still want to try the dark cherry mocha or whatever it was)

jinglin! if you're reading this i want to tell you: STARBUCKS CUSTOMER LOYALTY works. haha. cos i headed for starbucks instead of coffee bean today even though it was much much further and didn't have squishy seats. they're friendly and i've gotten sooo used to them :)

the old man and the sea
maybe i can run tomorrow :)
Posted at 5:14 AM

sixty-six hour paper.

beat that, and i will-- i will-- do something. i don't know. can't think. head is swimming with mujtahids qadis istifa taqlids sharia. my freaking answer doesn't even look english.

one down, 7 parts to go.
Posted at 6:27 AM

this is something that i really want to do. something that i've sworn countless times is life and breath to me.

so why is it so hard to take a step out and just-- just do it?

yes, i am scared. for no good reason. or maybe for a whole host of very good reasons.

and why the hell am i agonising over this in the middle of my take home paper. omg ok back to tapping out my damn answers.
Posted at 9:53 PM

i read back a couple of posts on this blog and i realise i sound freaking happy all the time.

haha. hence the bifurcation. because this blog is not *alert: bad law joke coming up* the Torrens registration system of my emotions, and the mirror principle doesn't apply.

at all.

whee.

sidenote: i think i've gotten back into the habit of staying till late, late, late at night. in school. now if my parents would just give me the car already then they wouldn't have to come up to bukit timah to get me.
Posted at 2:41 PM

bifurcation.
Posted at 6:03 PM

here i go again

oh but danz war was FANTASTIC. awesome awesome awesome. i don't know how the judges chose EVERYONE was so good. by the time the last group came up i was trying not to chew my nails off because i was so worried. haha. got vested interest la (obviously) we all wanted the blast items to win. heehee.

AND of course we got to see soul and platinum in action. AHH. and THE MAN himself-- wade robson! although he refused to solo. "i'm a choreographer, not a dancer". omg la but hey it was quite cool. haha. i think pat can be damnably proud of himself it was a damn good show.

and i drove home without too many mishaps! (granted, my parents were in the car. AND HAHA my mum said some chick tried to pick my dad up omg)

i REALLY really REALLY want to go for rihanna. SOMEBODY go with me! who cares if clt's the next day??

put on your brake lights
you're in a city of wonder
Posted at 11:47 AM