after the end of legal theory (at long last. i was feeling rather bleak because i just screwed up majorly for pretty much one of the only subjects i actually understood and enjoyed and MOST IMPORTANTLY could stand) nette krys and i ignored the lure of free b&j cones and opted instead for the rich warmth of gelare waffles. we have concluded that waffles ought to be eaten without ice-cream because otherwise they're too sweet and they give me bloody sugar headaches. i want waffles again :(

sat there and crapped for 3 hours before we even got remotely close to taking out our notes to study (whereupon krys left. haha). welll... there were just so many things that were so much more tantalising. after the decadent deliciousness of waffles there were the angsty songs to sing along to. then there was the chatter :) and of course they had the carls jnr fries. AND THEN there were the people-- denise and wen yi etc appeared halfway (they'd given up on b&js too), and then i met shasha and alex while we were sitting there mugging and also saw rebecca AND and and we saw cheng zhicai and what'shername-- forgot. some mediacorp actress. haiz you tell me how to study like that.

wandered around later because i wanted onion rings and we walked all the way to forum where i finally found the california pizza kitchen i read about; it didn't even look midway like a likely study spot so we resolved to go there next time for dinner or something. we also encountered the horror that was the far east shopping centre or whatever it was-- the one next to wheelock-- that abetted our quick escape by the sheer instigation of the horrible vibes it was emanating. finally we wound up in liat towers' bk where we ate onion rings and bounced about before i settled down with a tall bottle of jasmine green tea (cheat money one lor. it's very slim so that they can save liquid) to mug after nette left.

when i finished i walked out into a night in town realms removed from the chilly plastic interior of the burger king that provided such insulation against reality. on the way home i realised all over again why i hate train rides so much-- there is no privacy, no personal space. i hate the cold impersonality of the whiteness and brightness of the trains, i cannot stand the squash of people, i dislike the stares, i fret about the way the train is such an enclosed space.

i have loved the night too long to be afraid of the darkness, and this light-- this bright whiteness, this stark impersonality of plastic and falsely-cherubic happy-housing of those damn chairs-- this moving tubal clinic of city souls-- is not something i can stand.

and maybe because everytime i pass that one particular station for some reason my spirits dip. but yesterday they sank, and my nonchalant face drew itself into a frown and for some reason i felt that ache, that gaping hole where you were.

how many dark nights did you go through on your own?

at gelare we said that we were afraid that we would never feel again; that maybe ebing emo was also the time when most of us felt most alive because everything mattered and meant something.

forgive me.

don't blame me for holding on to you;
you're the only thing that feels real anymore.
don't blame me for thinking about you.
there's not much left worth fighting for.

i walked home in the darkness, revelling in the coolness of the night and its all-embracing presence. and in that darkness it felt like you were walking with me.


too much studying, yeah. crim and contract. HAIZ. pocky craving like MAD.

so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
where we're gonna be when we turn 25
Posted at 1:49 PM

in trying to do a sample legal theory essay, i just wrote...

"such dogmatic faithfulness to the letter of the law would be utterly retarded--"

i think i'm utterly retarded. i CAN'T say "utterly retarded" in an essay!!! that i'm going to hand up to my teacher!!

help.
Posted at 3:29 PM

we must believe that there is love in this world, because-- look, see--

our hands form a perfect heart, cupped together along the side of our palms.

love is in your hands

www.dear-god.net
Posted at 2:32 PM

rain is rain is rain, until it makes you get up from your seat and walk to the windows.
rain is rain is rain, until it makes you push aside the glass panels and look out into the darkness.
rain is rain is rain, until it makes you stretch out your hands into the stillness of the quiet night, the lonely romance of the solitary lamp-posts.

rain is rain is the scent of coolness on the wind. yes, temperature becomes a smell in times like tonight, a little teaser on the tip of your nose, leaving little air-kisses of almost-cold. like the promise of love, unspoken.

rain makes you fall in love with it. rain makes you love the night, the respite it brings after a day of such muggy heat that you felt compelled to shower thrice. rain is-- tonight's rain, at least-- is a flirt; thunder comes in trickles of ominous sound, the wind comes in little eddies that don't head straight for your hair but wind around your feet brightly instead, like hopeful cats looking for a friendly foot to snuggle.

i cannot begin to tell you how much i love tonight. how much i love the night.

in the distance there comes intermittent sounds of perhaps-rain. of perhaps-rustling of yearning trees waiting for the slant-wise delineation of lines that would sparkle in sunlight but only glint with potential now. the sky lights up at times with lightning; at times it just brightens a little, in tandem with that low growl.

and silly as it sounds there is a thrill of the forbidden running in my veins. we've always been told to shut the windows, shut them, shut them against the rain. tonight i throw all of them open; my room is suddenly the watchpost of the four winds.

such magic, and wonder, and oh-this-night-is-love.

the rain is coming. i think it is.

storm rising
Posted at 2:59 AM

and oh yes did you see that report about opposition nmps in today's today? get a grip. oh, he's too quiet now-- er. hello. WHO SILENCED HIM? oh, she's rather cautious and reserved-- but that's a good thing. hello, make up your mind already; you're the one who called for reasoned debate and now you're complaining that she's silent and unengaging and not the firebrand politician that i am so sure you are. oh, he's too concerned about nitpicking-- erm. aren't you doing the same?? like HELLO?

i can defend the ruling party's actions to my mum, who is an out-and-out opposition supporter. i can justify the opposition's actions to my dad, who is and has always been a government yes-man. but what i cannot do is find something to believe in that doesn't ultimately fulfill the etymology of the word "politics"-- poli meaning many, tics meaning... well. little bloodsucking parasites.

the whole bundle of contradictions that our government is. don't tell me that they're always right when i can already see at first glance such humongous contradictions in their reasoning. in the reasoning and logic of their finest and best specimen to boot, no less.

that, incidentally, is probably spoken with the same tone of voice as a modern day captain ahab would use when he talks to his favourite whale. with, of course, the requisite emphasis on said whale's last name.

dick.
Posted at 5:15 PM

man u vs arsenal 2-1.

whoo boy.

when was the last time i actually watched a match? haha. epl, euro, whatever. it's been too long. i've been spending a lot of time watching weird things on tv lately-- whether hbo or my sister's insane craze for deathnote (and, just so you know, i'm a fan of L. you've got to adore the dude) and, since my dad and i ended up not going for the contender finals (ostensibly because i had to do work. eeeps) random ifl matches. er. but please. whatever was going on in ifl somehow simply didn'/t have the muted murderous grace of muay thai, so it was a poor, poor substitute.

Then of course there was the man u arsenal match. :):) man of the match! hargreaves! at least it wasn't the oh-so-predictable ronaldo.

sigh. anything to keep from doing work, hmms. anyway friday i played a futsal match i somehow got roped into by default-- de facto? got bronze!-- but only because the year 4s didn't show. haha. it's been a long time since i actually played-- and oh man all of a sudden i felt all over again why i ALWAYS looked forward to pe lessons in dhs. hehehe. and WHY i was always the one dashing all over the field, and why when we played interclass i always ended up as the chionger. hahaha. whatever the heck that is. :):) and it was the same old feeling-- that mcgriddles-esque indescribability of hearing someone say "watch the red one" (of all things i was wearing an oh-shoot-me-now red jersey), the same way we used to mark people in sec sch by saying watch the one with the shoes, watch the one with the hair, watch the attacker, etc.

lost 1-0 to year 2s and 2-0 to year 3s, who had this awesome awesome goalkeep/player who used to play for a women's league back in arizona. she was so. good. haha. if we nominated women of the match-es she'd get my vote-- and for year 2s, it would have been the diva la futbol girl. isty? she was awesome too! ahhhh i WANT TO PLAY. my wishlist now includes a football-- among 7 other random things hehe.

was so burnt after the whole day ebcause i stayed out in the sun to watch the guys' matches. but the burn is good-- sort of. it's disguising the bruises i have all over, although my tuition kid did point out the one streaking my cheek. it looks like i put on blue-black-bronzer. hehe. but ye gods i seriously have bruises from forearm to ankle to calf to face to thigh. what happened?? did i get mugged and forget about it?!

i totally have this to admit, too-- guys who play soccer are just so incredibly hot. it doesn';t matter what kind of shit playacting ronaldo puts up, or how much i hate his utter lack of gamesmanship, when he gets the ball and his feet dance that magical tango over it-- gods, that is almost enough to make me forgive the bastard for being a bastard. almost. he and rooney are the ones who turned me off man u in the first place.

but still. it's a beautiful game :)

after the games on friday went for dinner at brussels sprouts (treat!) haha. my portobello cream pasta was extra yummy, my beer battered onion rings a tad too oily but holy guacamole the amount of onion in there! and my virgin mary didn't bite back as much as i'd have liked it to but oh wells. a good night :) (and probably a significant indicator of the amount of work to be done for the girls' run hahaha) hj fetched me home after that, where i returned to discover that in my absence my mum had nearly burnt the entire house done and my dad had to break out the fire extinguisher AND my everlast bag was covered with carbon dioxide foam-turned-wax. hahaha. reached home just in time to miss ALL the cleaning up. heh.

alright. back to mugging, in hugger-mugger (yes, hamlet is running through my head, for no good reason).

joga bonita
Posted at 11:20 AM

an aw shucks moment.

i watched my mum wake up and looked on as she went tiptoeing into the karaoke room and quietly turned down the lights and crept across the room to switch off the tv. why the subterfuge? my dad was sleeping in the room.

(: for all their squabbles they do love each other. i guess... if i ever do find something like that...

love stories. everyone's got their own. maybe not all as magical, not all as lovely, not all as simple and endearing; but nevertheless--

well.
Posted at 10:15 PM

on a separate note-- just so i know--

six million seconds till the day.

and six million seconds since another day. I lay awake in bed unsleeping and counted.

if that amount of time could fly by so quickly, then this six million shouldn't be that long either.

for no reason maroon 5 is in my head.

it is so easy to see dysfunction between you and me,
we must free up these tired souls before the sadness kills us both
i've tried and tried to let you know, i love you but i'm letting go
it may not last but i don't know,

i just don't know
Posted at 12:30 PM

after my first disastrous driving lesson (well i had only 2 hours of sleep what did i expect) i took a bus to eunos and then i took a walk in the heat of summer sunshine. wound up at a certain bus stop and i sat and stared at the hedge that separated one memory from the next, maybe one world from the other.

so, opposite XXX lorong s--.

take a walk, find a spot, let's sit down and have a talk. how ya doing, been a while, but by gods i've missed your smile. What! so silent? Quiet still? Don't be shy, just vent your spiel. Too reserved, far too polite, sometime we should poke and pry. How i wonder, could have been? If I'd act'd on what I'd seen? Now green hedges thus divide, behind sod your psyche hides. Far too late now, wish I'd cared, now I can but stop and stare. Take a walk, find a spot, I'll sit down and have a talk. How ya doing, been a while, but by gods I miss your smile.
Posted at 12:18 PM