suddenly
there's
this
need
in
me
to
just
scream
really
longandloud

doesn't
matter
ifyou
have
got
all
e
money
inthe
world
you can't bribe time to stay.

and i just need a moment to breathe.

stop the world, please. press pause.

press rewind.

press eject. i don't care.




my neighbours are moving. two days ago they put one of their dogs to sleep. the same dog that i;ve been seeing, meeting, greeting, leaving, for the past 14 years. can't remember if this was the same one that walked out after kf one day when he went to work/nus; the same one that got hit by a truck as it followed him across the road, the same one that he carried back broken and bloodied.

it's gone now anyway.

i shouldn't be so morose. memorial deadline just passed; i handed it in early becaus i couldn't care anymore. i spent a very decadent sunday sleeping till 3.17pm and then going for a short tuition session before watching a mindless movie with abby and munching on all sorts of goodies afterwards. why oh why do i still feel so hollow?

if i could drive i'd be out there on the streets watching streetlamps trundle past me in a neverending-nevertheless parade of silent ghosts.

maybe this is just one of those nights. one of the keron nights.

maybe it's one of the keron days too. as the mrt train went past kembangan today i watched for that hidden street and closed my eyes as we passed.

an epidemnic of the mannequins contaminating everything

xf's happy. abby's happy (with her mango pudding hahaha). ni's happy-- i think. ning's... more or less happy, i hope, even with the wake (i nearly said in the wake of the wake).

i'm glad they're happy.
Posted at 12:58 AM

oh my god witch doctor by the chipmunks just came on my windows player. hahaha. DAMN i miss the nuh kids!

i told the witch doctor i was in love with you, i told the witch doctor you didn't love me true!
Posted at 1:51 AM

overdosing on step up 2 songs. i so want to watch it this saturday! but damn-- guess what, memorial gets in the way again.

if i can complete my first revision by tonight... and finish the first draft tmr... i just might be able to get it done in time to go catch the movie. ah wells.

bloody hell work work work. can someone motivate me? offers of timtam would be good *hint hint xf. hehehe. i bought 2 packs ystdy!*

and if practice really makes perfect then hell i've got a lot of practising to do. why why why can't i dance anymore? it's disgusting, damnit.


on a good note, no lawr tomorrow.
on a not-so-positive note, math tuition. which i need to go read up for. haiz.

for a week-- one glorious week, it seemed-- it rained every day. today was the first time in days that it truly stormed and poured and vented every last vestige of moisture in the air, after a spate of days of brilliant sunshine that... well. was just the closest to disgust with the weather that i've felt this year, yet. i think. i'm not a sunshine girl.

but at least the fact that the rain started only today meant that i had a chance to take a long walk yesterday! and for dinner al fresco at the (haha) lousy hk cafe-wannabe outside my place... even if sitting under a tree meant running the very real risk of unwelcome air-to-ground missiles. hahaha. i was damn lucky it missed my wallet and phone by like one centimetre. just as well that in the end there was something to do for dinner since my frozen yoghurt outing didn't materialise :( nobody wanted to skip crim and abby had to teach tuition so no frolicking for us. next week!

didn't rain on law ball night either, which was the other significant thing that happened lately. 14th march. i'm quite glad i went although for the life of me i can't figure out why i didn't take more photos. but oh wells. the winners were deserving, but haha for the girls it was REALLY a wrangle to try and vote. after party really sucked though i've never liked zouk (but at least phuture doesn't play rihanna at some weird pitch, i'll give it that much.). i'm sorry, i actually like dxo. still. HAHA. yes i know weird but OH WELL.

i'm floating a little-- like a leaf, a leaf, borne on water and sweeping around in this insane turmoil near a waterfall, carried along by the emotions of everyone else. i don't know what's happening, i don't know what to say except the usual platitudes, and really i must say i think the guys are being just a little bit childish. poor K. but i expect they'll sort it out. don't we always, we who survive? from the tears to the heartbreak to the self-injurers to the leavers to the lovers?

i will make you love the rain
Posted at 1:08 AM

driving home after dance i sat in my mum's car and watched the rain as she made a phone call.

still elated with dance, still happy-- and then suddenly out of the twilight came this stab of sheer wistfulness, and the way you used to smile flashed in front of me again.

this world needed people like you, to dance, to teach dance, to smile and keep on smiling. to entertain too-loud girls asking about inconsequential things, to accompany random people on shopping expeditions before dance lessons, to stun and be stunned, to dazzle and bedazzled.

where is your smile now i wonder.
Posted at 3:06 AM

some journeys you just have to make alone.

Two years ago today, she would have found out by now about the news. her saturday morning would have gone from sunny to broken; where the liquid gold splashes of sunshine splattered across her bedroom floor would have gone from incredible to incongruous. the smiles of the morning would have gone jagged-edged.

broken mornings. shards.

i can actually still remember the rawness that shredded my voice when my parents found me screaming and shaking with sobs on the floor beside my sister's bed.

but yesterday had none of that.

yesterday, i took the bus alone to bright hill. that morning i had bought a single white rose-- a rose i had not planned to buy. i had thought of lilies, of carnations, even of a chrysanthemum as a sort of reminder of the joke he had played in sec 2. but the moment i walked up to the store, i saw this perfect rose-- perfectly in bloom.

One of my yearmates asked this question-- what good are funerals?

for delivering the rose you should have given way back when. for remembering his smile and the sparkle in his eyes. for saying goodbye. for saying sorry when it's far too late, when you should have been there for him when he needed it. for regret for having let the friendship fade.

the-- crematorium? -- was closed when i reached. i was perfectly fine walking up and around the temple, but when the two workers packing up said that everything was locked up and to come back tomorrow, and i smiled and said "no, it's okay, it's because today is his--" my smile just broke and suddenly there was this strange warmth flowing from my eyes that i could barely recognise. i hadn't thought there would be tears. the impossibility of tears.

i walked away. stood at a bannister for a while and whispered into the still, still air. he wasn't there, he really wasn't. i couldn't feel him anymore.

afterwards i walked out of the temple, rose in hand. i ducked into the field behind the bus-stop, tramped through ankle-and-sometimes-calf-deep grass/mud, and reached a bridge.

held the rose against the letter. it was almost as though there was another image silvered onto it, the white long-stemmed unbloomed rose that i had bought two years ago, held against the same whiteness of the envelope of the letter i had written then. the quiet cream of the petals whispering across the expanse of snow, with the black-lettered name that suddenly seemed so stark and yet so apt.

i breathed, and threw letter and flower out onto the river.

ru guo nan guo, qing ni wang le wo
Posted at 2:03 PM

don't forget.
Posted at 12:49 AM

i didn't realise that it was the end until the big hug at the last.

so this is how it ends, then. 'twas good while it lasted. but there's this strange wistfulness; how do you miss people you've never really gotten to know, except perhaps in the most superficial of ways?

and yet even then it was worth it. :) and last night's performance surprisingly was better than our first. my smile was genuine, and i didn't regret too much. except for maybe one slightly flubbed weight-shift. haha.

dance along the light of day
Posted at 3:46 AM