i have crazy amounts of readings to do and far too little dance in my life these days, but i find myself smiling-- the kind of squinty-eyed, incredibly beatific, incredulous-bordering-on-effervescent-giggle kind of smile.

you need your love story, too. maybe i really AM over it.

on another note, hair is now long enough that i can knot it up without having to find an elastic band. talk about laziness. night is incredibly quiet, moon was fogged, garden and dog were very tempting but biomed law & ethics require a computer and a power point is non-existent out there.


you know what i want to do? i want to walk out and lie down on grainy bitumen and stare at the sky, but is there a single road on which we can do that in singapore? quiet as we might or ever can get we are not uppsala.
Posted at 2:03 AM

woke up half-screaming in the middle of the night from a nightmare in which some strange dark atavistic figure with long tentacles and the like was ripping me apart. i could still feel it-- her-- clawing me back even after i was sure i was awake.

rose's nightmarish insomnia is affecting me too, already. always?


whatever.

perfectly fine as long as i don't think about it, but if i don't think about it the gray-sky-two-inches-above-my-head returns.
Posted at 1:50 PM

i am staring at this vintage purple sweater i've had since i was eleven and trying to work up enough nerve to cut it up into a costume for zhiwen's item.

:(
Posted at 9:50 AM

i think shutting down-- at least momentarily secluding-- this blog is liberating in a way. it's not as if i didn't have a private blog on top of this all along, as well as a diary, but-- maybe i just wanted that extra space.

i long to lose myself in music, but i can't find the songs to lead me astray these days.
Posted at 12:23 PM

driving on ecp...
mich: "fifteeeen... when you only got a hundred years to live--"
von: "I love this s-- HOLY FUCK!"

from crazy white merc taxis SWERVING into my goddamn lane in the middle of effing nowhere, good lord deliver us. i don't want to drive anymore. he didn't even CUT into my lane he just veered about 2mm away from my car along the turn at the IR area. HELLO GO BACK TO DRIVING SCHOOL CAN?

and no, i didn't crash into him. according to my sis i did some superhero cool shit swerving in return that would have been totally awesome if she wasn't in the car with me.

but i DON'T WANT TO DRIVE ANYMORE. and i definitely don't want to sing five-for-fighting while driving. what an omen. and i still have to go and find xf tonight. oh my god i refuse to drive there i've flipped off enough people on the roads today. I HAVE TO STOP SWEARING (and skipping lessons, but that's another story for another day).

apart from all that i am happy-- and sad. i liked this choreo a lot, and i don't think i did as well as i could have for the last show. i will miss-- am missing already!-- this item!
Posted at 10:16 PM

Steal a moment, or two, or twenty.

Drink chardonnay by poolsides. Devour home-made mushroom tagliatelle prepared by best friend. Eyeball Helen the Cadbury dog. Dip feet in cold and chlorine. Walk two moons and live a dream. Capture a thought, an emotion, a glance, an earring. Wander the night. Lose track of time. Talk till the witching hour. Confess, hold back, reveal, conceal.

Offer comfort to a friend. Walk blindfolded on tightropes fingers scoring the air, balancing on a knife's edge. Yes, this is a dagger you see before thee. Reach for it. Take it. Break, voice; break, heart. Accept the truth. Remember the years. Tell-- or hint at-- what no one else has ever known. Realise the similarities. Try not to judge. Drive home, pray; things will be okay for everyone.

Stay out till late. Fall asleep to the rocking of a shaking, the lullaby of a machine. Listen in on god's words. Walk out into the lightest of drizzles with Leona Lewis in your ears. Breathe, lose the tension, the disappointment, desolation. Pause enthralled by the sight of leaves slowdancing in the wind under the amber warmth of a streetlamp. Fumble for a camera. Laugh as the raindrops spin into the fury of a full-blown thunderstorm in the span of seconds, silver-needled-heavy-handed. Walk home through the storm never minding the drenching, because this-- this-- you have not felt in months.

Feed brandy-spiked chocolates to a friend. Drink lassis soapy with cinnamon. Give your dog a hankering for peanut-butter-and-nutella sandwiches. Speak with your father. Be thankful for your grandmother, and her wonderful cooking that she gets your mother to bring home for you when you miss a visit because of practice.

Take a step away and leave the madding crowd. Feel anger; resign that signature to sadness. Sit in darkness with a friend. Talk. Share a bus ride with a sister. Make peace. Recall 25 roses in a plastic bag. Laugh at her Tristram-Shandyness.

Dance like you're dying, and so we are. Feel the thrill from learning a piece of choreography, from remembering steps, from fitting a move to music. Taste disillusionment; experience regret. Know envy, awe, pride, belonging, friendship. Be glad, utterly glad, for this today that will never come again, for the yesterday that's forever past, for the tomorrow waiting to be filled with promise.

Be as glad as you can be.


I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same way. But I'll be damned before I admit to it, because I've got sand in my shoes and my eyes and I will happily go on living this lie if the fantasy can only last a little longer. But the winds are ripping it to shreds, even the blindest of the blind must see. Now I could dance, but she had left me without music. What if the converse is true?

Bait your hook with strips of flesh; blood-backed worms cut from your heart.
Posted at 12:08 AM

that tonight was a good good night. we ought to do this more often.





time to crash. dance in something like 7 hours.
Posted at 4:42 AM